Only 2 Hands: A Diary of Single Mamas and Papas

and the days go by...

2010-06-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

Single mommas are busy! Boy are we... Hence the long gaps in posting anything... Lots of things have changed since my last post, and simultaneously things are just flowing along as they always have...

Big things that changed? Little Bird turned nine, got her ears pierced, and just graduated third grade. This birthday hit me pretty hard. I find as a parent I get so use to a particular age or phase and start to think that Bird will be in that phase forever and then BOOM! her face is looking thinner and more defined. Her mannerisms and conversations are 9 going on 15. She only has 2 more years left in elementary school. It stuns me to stop and think about how quickly the days just fly by... And whenever I do stop and think about the speed with which time flies I think about how much I need to re-embrace the moment, cherish the impermanence, and make my life and Little Birds life as full as I can!

Speaking of full lives, summer is upon us! Camps and trips and family visiting is here and I cannot wait! I am having a hard time keeping focused on work these days as I keep day dreaming about my adventures that are yet to come! I signed Bird up for an intro to sewing class. I hope she likes it. I am also going to start making her go to a weekly kids yoga class too. I am taking a trip to Chicago in a couple of weeks and we are both going to Wisconson and South Dakota for most of July. Then, in August I think I will adventure to Marfa to see the alien lights!

And speaking of adventures I have entered a new phase and new dilemma in my single parenting journey. For the first time since I separated from Birds dad I have met someone that I might introduce her to. Its throwing me for a loop. I had always made a rule for myself that I would not introduce her to anyone until I knew for sure that it was "the one for a long time" ... but this new person... I am not sure and don't think about in terms of future, but I know that I want to see him, alot, like, all the time. As a single mom with full custody I don't really get the opportunity to have free time with out my Bird being with me... so out of a desire to see him and the necessity to care for her I think they will meet way sooner than I would really like and am ready for... The other side of this issue is that Renna has never known me to date. She keeps her crushes top secret, even when I ask her about them... and the other day when I mentioned very lightly that I had a crush on someone she got really really upset... I talked her down but it made me think- wow- maybe I have been wrong to hide these relationships from her in the past? Have I warped her perspective on men and dating? Have I made this an even bigger mess than it needed to be? Her dad dates very openly and she is fine with that, even likes all his girlfriends... but with me, she is freaked out. I asked her if it was about me not spending enough time with her, she said it was that and just felt weird to her... I think I will just keep taking it one day at a time and see where this journey takes us...

I need to stop worrying... I need to remember once again that life is too short and flies by too damn fast! I need to trust that I am a smart enough, level headed enough lady to make the right move in terms of bring people into mine and Birds life... Trust. Trust, trust. And remember to live my life to the fullest!

New Life Beachside

2010-02-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a long time since anyone's written!...so here I am. It's been 4 months since the move... Lots of big news. Number one being my baby's daddy completely cut himself out of Z's life. Ya. Apparently he's been reading my facebook and emails since the divorce for over 2 years now. Yes I changed my passwords...finally. He read some things I said recently and was not happy with them. He's a 40 yr old man who barely has a job, is trying to get a masters degree, and is expecting another baby. He hasn't seen Z in almost 2 years. He barely was sending us any money. What good should I have to say about this man in my personal emails to my friends?! So that's big news. I'm happy to no longer be dependent on him and worry about his negative influence on Z being the volatile unreliable person he is.

Other big news is that it seems I have a lovely Swedish boyfriend :-) We've been dating since after Thanksgiving, and last weekend after an amazing date filled with massages, swimming in mineral pools, naughtiness on the pier, et al...he asked me how many dates in America till you're considered boyfriend/girlfriend. So cute. I told him I want to take it slow...but def don't want to date anyone else. So yes ladies and gentlemen, this single mama has some hot love in her life.

But my question or point for that matter is...even though i'm not "single" in my love life, I'm still single in my parenting life. So ladies and gents I'm still with you as a single mom :-)

Life in FL is great. The beach is beautiful. I'm meeting new friends. We're spending time with family. Z's been disneyfied much to my horror, but what can you do when Cinderella is right down the street?

Work's a little sparse but is picking up. I go where the wind blows and it's always somewhere better and positive. Blow wind. Blow.

This Town, Goodbye Town

2009-10-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

We went to Mexico. Ahhh. I sat on the beach alot. Drank mojitos alot. And realized that it was time to make the long talked about move to Florida. Austin's just not my place anymore. It served itself beautifully the first few years of Z's life. I'm off to be closer to family and Inshallah go to grad school...hurray!

It's true when you don't feel at home somewhere... Plus I have insane allergies here. I still hope to eventually end up on a houseboat in Kashmir teaching to the local village children, or somewhere far off breathing in the air. After grad school. Hurrah! Inshallah.

So I have 11 days till I drive off into the sunset waving goodbye to a good 3 year stint in Austin. I can't wait for the beach. The sunsets. The water on my feet. The sand. The seagulls and pelicans. The cute surfer dudes too. Palm trees. Family.

I don't wanna be nice!

2009-08-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Its really hard to be nice sometimes... Especially when dealing with the Ex. My Little Bird returned home after being away for two months. I have had two communications with her dad since she has been back and BOTH times he was rude. UG! You would think two months of not speaking to each other would help him calm down but no... another reminder that he is and always will be an angry person. I was proud of myself though because both times he tried to start a fight I said "you are trying to fight and I will not go there" and then I redirected the conversation to the schedule etc etc and that was that.. but man oh man, we have been separated for five years now and we still have so much tension between us. I have friends who are more recently separated and I wish I could tell them it gets easier but it doesn't, the problems just change, but there are still problems.

Deep breathe. Grant me patience. Deep breathe. Help me learn from my past mistakes with this man, help me avoid the sore spots. Deep breathe. Help me forgive and release my anger. I need to let my anger go... but thats hard to do... especially when you really really don't want to be nice!

2009-07-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Little Bird,

Yesterday I was a mom who missed her Little Bird.

Today I am a mom who misses her Little Bird.

Tomorrow I will still be a mom missing my Little Bird.

Little Bird I am so happy for you! I hope you are having fun on your annual summer stay with grandma and grandpa. You are so lucky that your trip includes travel, complimentary breakfast, clean mountain air, cable, and infinite amounts of love. Little Bird you are blessed to have those visits with grandma and grandpa in South Dakota every summer.

But Little Bird, this summer is the longest time you will have been away from me (eight entire weeks). Little Bird, it is also, so far, the first time you have not cried for me... there are still four weeks of vacation left, so you could still call me all teary... but to date- you are dry eyed! You are so happy and secure in your self. You are becoming a confidant and independent young girl. I am proud of you and happy for you. I am so glad that you have this time with family. I am so glad you have this time in the mountains. I am so... so... so darn sorry for myself... ha!

Oh poor old forgotten mom! Home in Texas. Working all the time and really really hot all the time and really really tired of being hot all the time AND has mommy ranted about how bored she is? Well. She is... without Little Bird around mommy doesn't know how to fill her days! Well actually my days become quite full, too full, but full of WORK and little play! and she is jealous of that cable and those home cooked meals and that clean mountain air! and really most of all mommy just misses you...

I miss you and wish I was to hugging you and kissing you goodnight every night... which is why I call you... everyday. I call you every day and make you talk to me even when you would rather watch TV, or roast a marsh-mellow, or ride your bike around the block... because I wish I was hugging you RIGHT NOW and burying my nose in your hair and taking in the scents of hard play and imagination and Jason's Tea Tree Oil Shampoo because of that- I kiss the phone and say "I love you, I will call you tomorrow."

So, this is a letter from mom.

From mom who misses Little Bird.

From mom who can't wait to give Little Bird big kisses in just 4 short weeks.

xoxo

Mom

Follow The Beat

2009-06-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

So it's almost Only 2 Hands' one year birthday ladies and gents. That's pretty exciting. Also impressive that us busy single mamas took the time to write - bravo. Who knows...maybe for our birthday we'll add a male writer to the mix?

It's been a while since I posted. Twitter's been making it easier for me to do this, apologies. I"m back.

Lots to tell, but I"ll start with most recent and leave it at that.
Works going great, I have lots more both teaching yoga and with my assistant job.
Looks like I'll be able to afford staying here longer - yeah!! I love our country oasis in the middle of the city. I'm getting a new car too (well used of course)... a diesel VW Jetta - soon I can use vegetable oil!

Today was Father's Day so we Skyped Z's dad (who hasn't contacted us in a month). Z told his dad "Happy Father's Day" and M replied, "He sounds like and American."

Well of course, he's being raised only by his American mother. I really want Z to learn Arabic, but his dad's across the Atlantic and I don't speak it very well. I've actually started considering putting him in Hebrew classes. My in-laws would freak, but the languages are so similar and use the same parts of the brain that I think it'd be easier for him to learn Arabic in adulthood. (FYI There are no Arabic classes for Z's age in Austin...I can get a scholarship for him to learn Hebrew at age 2).

I've been swimming every single day welcoming the summer weather. We went to Krause Springs yesterday and Deep Eddy today. Two days of 68º spring plunges does a body good.

2009-06-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

Click below to win a Madsen bicycle!

uh oh...

2009-05-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I think I can call the first "scarring" thing I have ever done to my daughter... I took her to performance art. Now wait! That may sound like a joke, but I can assure you it is not...

OK so once a year, this fabulous creative arts festival called FUSEBOX hits Austin. Every year there are exciting artists from around the country and world who bring their smarts to Texas. I always see a few things each year and thoroughly enjoy it! Well... this year... I decided to take Little Bird to a few things with me... all I can say is "uh oh"...

The first event that Renna and I see together is a dance piece at the Long Center. There is no rating info on the FUSEBOX website and I make my reservation over the phone with the Long Center. The shows description seems heady but relatively safe. I also think "ok well its dance, how bad can dance be?" Just wait...

When we arrive at the theater we get our tickets at the box office, no one says a thing about appropriateness even though my daughter is obviously with me. We walk in and the ushers also do not say a word. Once we enter the theater Little Bird decides that she would like to sit in the front row for the best possible view. So we sit down front row and center. The house lights lower, the stage lights come up, and BAM! Naked man....

The show, from an adult artist perspective, was wonderful. I really loved it. From a parent perspective OMG OMG OMG my daughter is RUINED! So the show starts and immediately the dancer is naked, for the first 5 minutes of the show. In the middle of the first act (after he has dressed) he pulls his underwear off his bottom and holds himself in a crab pose over a flaming candle. Then at the end of the second act we get 5 more minutes of total frontal male nudity... I would like to point out that none of the nudity was perverse or gratuitous. The second act was fine and 100% kid friendly if not for the F word once or twice.

How did I handle it? As soon as he entered we saw the dancers bottom and I covered Little Birds eyes.

OMG! My heart was racing, I was sweating! What do I do? leave? stay? CRAP!!!

Her eyes were closed behind my hands and I leaned into her and I said "he is naked, he is not doing anything weird or creepy its just a naked body. If you want to watch you can, if not I will cover your eyes until he gets cloths on." She kept her eyes covered. That is pretty much how we handled the whole first act. Something inappropriate would start and I would cover eyes... She LOVED the second act. Pretty ladies dancing in sparkling dresses totally made up for the uncomfortableness of the naked man.

Leaving the theater she said she loved it. The next day she was still talking about the ladies dancing and some of the cool video in the first act. She even insisted we go to another FUSEBOX show that night as well! She still sometimes mentions things from that show in a positive way... so yes, in the moment I was terrified and mortified but in the end I think my daughter had a pretty great artistic experience... I wonder when she is an adult if she will remember that performance as her first time seeing a man naked. Ha!

sigh... oh life... oh parenting... uh-oh...

Where's the time?

2009-04-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

So suddenly now that I"m working more (personal assistant) I'm wondering where all that glorious free time went? Z's started school but he's clingy as a madman and refuses to sleep in his own bed - I chalk this up to separation issues with school. I know it will get better, but those few hours I would have to myself at night are getting less and less.

I also just paid for my Match.com membership so I can start meeting some dudes. I've had the profile up there and just have been too broke to afford it. So I had some extra $$ thanks to Uncle Sam and said, hey I'm NOT meeting anyone, absolutely anyone this way (hanging with Z and working all the time) so at least I can get some flirtation online or in real life now...we'll see. I'm emailing with one interesting dude lots of travelling in common.

Speaking of travelling I'm dying to get out of the country. I wish flights were cheap somewhere out of the USA - like India, Bali, etc. Cause now I have to pay for 2 plane tickets. All I want to do is get lost in another culture. I guess I'll just have to go to some small Texas town and soak in the locals there. I could go to Mexico, but all those stories about kidnapping has me convinced someone's going to kidnap Z. RamaMama invited me at one point for a fun Mexico trip and then kind of dis-invited me. Yeah. I'm outing you on the blog... I was a little pissed. Hope you have fun though.

Anyways, so that's my next goal how do I get out of the country for cheap - anyone? anyone???

Insanity and Wisdom

2009-04-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

Insanity... The last few days have been difficult for me. Little Birds father and I are in a child support battle... Let me give you some back story on the Dad here... he is insane and I am not speaking metaphorically or in anger. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago and has been off and on the meds since then. He is an alcoholic and has a tendency to beat up on the women in his life. What can I say, when I was 21 I picked a real WINNER. ha. Seriously I laugh at myself so hard tears come to my eyes when I think about how the Dad and I met. The first time I met him I apparently don't remember but he does (he was working at Whole Foods and I stopped in with Shaktimama). The first time I remember meeting him he came to my home to buy LSD or sell LSD (not sure which) to one of my roommates. Did I mention I was 21? Just barely 21 too... I will never regret having Little Bird. She gives my life meaning, joy, and an endless and inimitable love! I do not regret having a child earlier in my adulthood. I am happy to be a young mother! I think being a young mother is amazing! I would not have it any other way. I do however regret the Dad. Through out all the years that I know him he has always been very volatile. Its in his chemical make-up, his DNA, and its really unavoidable. Sometimes we have long phases of stability and positive energy and in those moments I forget how crazy he really is and the BOOM it comes out full force. I am in the middle of a "full force" episode right now. In moments like these I just want as much distance as possible. In moments like these I hug my daughter tight and hold her closer longer. I also worry in these moments about her mood swings, her mental stability... if she does inherit this from her father it will most likely come out around puberty or even as late as her early 20s... But I still have faith and hope that my genes will dominate... Which brings me to wisdom...

Yesterday morning I was upset because of a few emails the Dad had sent. Little Bird could tell that I was disturbed. So she said to me "mom remember last night when I was upset and you made me tell you why and then I felt better?"

"yes I remember"

"well if you talk about your feelings too you might feel better"

"you want me to tell you why I am upset"

"yes"

"okay, your dad and I are not getting along right now"

a pause

Little Bird says "you know he is probably upset because he is very sensitive, just like I am, you know how sometimes the little things make me really mad and upset? well I bet that happens to dad too"

a pause

I say "you are probably right"

In an instant, a seven year old, spoke the truth in a really simple way, but the simplicity resonates with a larger and deeper truth about our little "family" and the things that are shared... Her comment both scares me and relieves me. On one hand, yes, her reactionary side is very much like her fathers. On the other hand, for her to see that, to see the truth of this adult mans reactions holds such wisdom that I have faith. I have faith that she will grow up with enough of my strength, intelligence, and stability to even out any of the tornado that may be brewing deep inside thanks to her fathers DNA...

Hmmm.... insanity and wisdom... Long story short, I need to be wise inside the tornado of insanity that is currently spinning around me. I am not sure what path to take at this moment. I feel frozen and frightened and just want to run away from it all... but in time, in time the decisions will come, the storm will calm, the dust will settle... For the time being, I need to hold on tight, take a deep breathe and trust. Wish me luck.

Shout Out

2009-03-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Shout out to all my single mama b*tches.

So lots happening these days. First of all I've almost achieved full time work status with my multitude of jobs which now include teaching yoga and now personal assisting. Woo hoo. Z still is not in daycare, but now with all this work I'm going to try and put him in 2 days a week so I can get more done and work more.

Second I went on my first post-divorce date. Though dear god who knows if it can count as a date, lol. So the guy was jocking me all week texting and calling me multitudes every single day. We had a definite plan for the evening that involved this awards ceremony followed by some SXSW parties. I looked totally hot ready for some kind of make out action. Well @broylesa tells me that he mentioned he had to go back to work after the ceremony. Mind you he's a pedi cab driver so he sets his hours and told me he was taking the night off for fun. So he finally tells me himself and I was like what seriously? Now I have to go to this other party by myself? So I sneak to the bathroom for 15 minutes where I"m texting twiterring like a madwoman trying to hook up with some friends downtown bcs I HAD A SITTER THE ENTIRE NIGHT! I never have that!

THEN I finally come out to sit in the ceremony with him and he actually tries to hold my hand! And so I pulled it away and was like "what? what do you want?" Ya then after that I talked to some other dudes who were hitting on me and he left to go to work. GREAT DATE! Afterwards I went to the Facebook friends.get party and danced at least. Still. LAME-O!

Three Little Birds

2009-03-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the Bob Marley song Three Little Birds? In high school it was my favorite. My friends Aline, Sarina, and I would sing that song over and over, calling ourselves the Three Little Birds. I was so free in those days... sigh... I really just lived each day for what it was and hardly worried! Don't get me wrong, I would never want to re-do high school, puke... but... things are feeling rather intense lately. Especially in terms of finances. Things are precarious for everyone right now of course. I am nervous daily about the future of my company. Arts organizations are the first to suffer when the economy is down and over the last week money seems to be just pouring out of my accounts... Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and excited because I received my tax return and it was enough to help me pay for a list of important things I have been putting on hold as well as put some away in savings... but as soon as the money hit my account it was spent. My theater hosted a playwright last weekend and I threw down a chunk of change to get her out of town (bad weather canceled her original flight) then my daughter became ill and I needed to spend on the doctors visit as well as medicine. The brakes on my car are squeaking and I need to take it in today to get looked at. Little Bird and I both have dentist appointments tomorrow. I really really need a yearly doctors check-up but honestly Little Birds expenses always come first so I keep putting it off... One thing after another not to mention the usual expenses, groceries, gas, rent, bills, student loans, credit debt... I feel depleted and anxious... BUT last night I had a moment after washing my face of catching my reflection in the mirror, and seeing a new wrinkle and noticing my greying roots starting to show and I took a very deep breathe. Breathe in... the more I allow these money matters to stress me out... breathe out... the more I allow the stress to rule me... breathe in... the more time I waste! I must stop wasting my time and energy on negative thought and stress!!! I have to remind myself everyday that I must enjoy where I am in life at this exact moment. Before I even know it I will blink and be old and grey and slow.... I must enjoy my youth, my energy, this gorgeous spring day! I must remind myself daily that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent! This reminder of impermanence is always a good one for getting me to relax my strangle hold on life and just breathe! In times like these I always go back to my "worst case scenario" list and every time I go through that list in my head I realize that the "worst case" will still provide me with a wonderful and rewarding life. So what if I get rid of my car, its better for the environment anyway. So what if I have to move to a cheaper home, a new neighborhood could be fun. So what if I go back to nannying, I love the pace of the job, the time spent outside, and the cute little rugrats with sloppy hugs and kisses. So what if I move back home with my parents (definite worst case here), I am very close to my family, we get along, and I miss the mountains everyday... Calm down Jenny. Remember in your adulthood the freedom and ease of your youth... And as Mr Marley would sing... "Baby don't worry, do do do doooo do do do, 'bout a thing, do do do dooo do do do, every little thing is gonna be alright!" You are right Bob. Every little thing will be just fine.

grape kool-aid

2009-03-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

life is short. i've been trying to remind myself of that these days. if i dont get the dishes done or the house picked up, it's not going anywhere, why worry right? i think i tend to get all wrapped up in what i think, or have learned, what everything should look like, what i should be doing, instead of letting the lovely little moments of life just come to me.

today i was rushing around running errands for work and doing that little annoying thing i do with listing out everything i need to do on a time table in my head so i get to where ever i need to be at 3:42 and what time i need to start dinner so i can have the house clean by 6:25 when a breeze full of mountain laurel came drifting in my car window. and i remembered how much i love that smell, it's so much like grape kool-aid, and it just brings me back to being 9 tearing around town on my bike and playing in the creek in the woods by my old house. and i thought, god!! i'm so anal!!!! hahahaha! really? 3:42? 6:25? wow!

so i vow, to be late when i can (obviously i'm too anal to just be late, but i may PLAN to be late, just so i can get used to it a little bit) and to take the time to smell the kool-aid of life.

First of the month Queen of returns

2009-03-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

I have that Warren G song in my head from high school "It's the first of the month so get up get up get up get up"

The first of the month usually brings a bit of money fear on my end. Babby's daddy is consistently 3 days late and $200 short every month. Food stamps don't go on till the 5th. And I still need to pay my phone bill from last month. I"m trying to save for more yoga trainings this summer which will make me more money in the fall...I've just got to catch up somehow!

So now since the cupboard's pretty bare I find myself returning some expensive Bumble and Bumble shampoo/conditioner I bought at Central Market over a year ago. I've poured some other shampoo into the bottle to make it feel a little fuller. That should get me $30 in groceries.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have some things I can return to Whole Foods too. I'm the queen of returns.

Geneology

2009-03-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

So my yoga teacher always said for us women to draw strength on our ancestors. I love learning about my family history and recently due to some web searching have uncovered new ancestors and got my Aunt Susan talking more about our family history.

I learned the my great great grandmother Anne McWilliams (from Ireland) was a single mother (widowed) to 5 children. She opened a boarding house in Sherbrooke, Quebec and was able to make ends meet like that. Her husband James McWilliams died 2 days after Patrick, my great grandfather, was born.

I loved learning this info and knowing that I too in some way came from another single mother. That we've existed throughout time and fight against all odds to give our children a beautiful life. Yeah to the power of single moms!

2009-02-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

I love Wednesdays. I'm off midweek, and I feel like I can breathe....ahhhh. Seriously, raising a toddler all by myself requires a midweek breath, and I love it.

I'm starting to come out of artistic hibernation which is exciting. I've started revisiting the work I left 2 years ago on my mommy hiatus. My social experiments with audiences, "reality theater" if you will. So I've decided to go back into experimenting, which is great because it can remain low key as say opposed to acting. Yes Austin pedestrians, stay tuned for some unexpected things coming your way.

I thoroughly enjoyed JLars 30th - she was too cute with a grin on her face all night shaking her hips. And I found some photos from when we first moved in together like 8 or 9 years ago and intend to scan them soon!

Life is good here, weather is beautiful, birds are singing out my window. Happy Wednesday!

2009-02-20T06:05:00.000-08:00

my Little Bird and me. Feb 15th 2009.

Embracing my smile lines...

2009-02-20T05:04:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. My thirtieth birthday to be exact. A milestone in a young chickens life! When I came home from work last night I found a gift under one of my plants in the living room. It was a big birthday bag with Little Birds name scratched out and mine written in. I opened it with her this morning. She gave me a necklace from her dress up box (its cute too, very 80s retro chic) and a sidewalk-chalk book one of my friends gave her for her birthday a few years ago. Her dad was with her last night, and when I came home and saw the gift I asked if he helped her or reminded her. He had nothing to do with it, didn't even talk to her about it. It warms my heart beyond measure that she remembered it was my birthday and that she found and wrapped and set out the present all on her own. So sweet... To counter that sweetness this morning she has been grumpy and whiny because I am not having a birthday party that she is invited to... I feel bad, I am having a late night dance party tonight with my friends, and she will not be there. As much as her pouting was annoying this morning it also warms my heart that she wanted to be in on the celebration! I told her that she and her friend Lou and I would all have a special birthday dinner tomorrow night instead. She didn't buy it, she wants a party! Ha! She IS my daughter! haha!

The days leading up to this birthday I have felt a little melancholy. Leaving my twenties... These markers in a persons life allow one to look back and reflect. I look back on the last decade and roll my eyes at some things I did... smile and laugh at other things... feel proud about some things... even though a great many of my friends are older than me, and just laugh patronizingly at my "turning 30 depression" it IS a sign of a change, a shift, in life. I know that I will look back on my thirties in a completely different way than I look back on my twenties... I know that this decade holds a completely new set of experiences. The days leading up have been nostalgic. I have also had a lot of sadness thinking about how my aging also ages my parents and my Little Bird. I think about how I am not ready for my parents to be elderly. I am not ready for that Little Bird to stop being so little.. and the last few days I have been mourning that. BUT I woke up this morning feeling excited and invigorated. I look at today and the next ten years as being full of possibilities, full of opportunity! I read a book a few years ago that said you fall down and mess up a lot in your twenties. You keep falling down but a little less in your thirties, and you finally start to get it right at 40, and in your 50s you are golden. I look forward to falling down less, and perhaps falling down more gracefully. I look forward to more birthday mornings with my Little Bird and watching her get older and wiser with each year. I am embracing my smile lines! Happy birthday to me.

VDay Spectacular Celebrations. Happy New Year Again.

2009-02-16T19:05:00.001-08:00

Well this year was my best Vday yet. Afternoon I spent it with my mama friends (Z with his baby friends). Then in the evening Jlar and James came over for a super yummy dinner filled with wine, tea, and Dracula vs Billy the Kid. Classic.

Last Weds I weaned Z. I'd been having midweek meltdowns for the past 2 or so weeks and realized I needed a big change in my life. As in detoxify my body and get back to that hot bod I had pre-baby. That kinda change. Then maybe I'll get to go on a date. Maybe my flirtations will turn into more than just a flirtation! Maybe just maybe I"ll finally have a sexual partner that's NOT my ex. No, that's not a maybe that's a YES I CAN!

I just hope my breasts remain somewhat perky. They were always big to begin with, but post-weaning is kinda of like no mans land, y'know? They're going to take their own life... Part of me thinks I should pump every other day to keep them full, lol.

So I'm on day 2 of my detox and feeling extremely energized. Wish me luck!

2009-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd finally add a photo to this blog. My fave from our train ride for Z's 2nd b'day.

New Album 1/22/09 9:16 PM

2009-01-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

Wow JLar - I loved your New Years blog. Very buddhist inspired. #2 is particularly great. I need to not sucomb to my desires either - or at least make my desires more frugal. I've been doing better about shopping - vintage stores are my oasis. And flossing - AMEN!

Yes so my goals:

1. Stick to my running schedule. Well make the exact schedule, write it in my calendar as I would a class I teach. This will prove to be successfull.

2. Live within my means.

3. Be nicer to my mom. She and I have this... sometimes difficult relationship. But, she is my mom and I need to respect her more.

4. Make more me time.

5. Don't compromise precious Z time to add another class! I can live without the extra $120/month if it means seeing Z light up as we frolick in the mud and throw rocks in the pond.

That's all for now, I'll add more though.

2009-01-03T15:35:00.001-08:00

A new year, a new beginning. Shannon and I have a mentor who always says about acting that "every breathe is a new beginning" on stage you can lose yourself in a mistake or allow your mind to wander and you simply have to breathe and begin again to get it back together. I love this saying and find it useful over and over again in my life, on and off the stage! With a new year is a new breathe! I have three simple resolutions this year...

1. Walk in peace.

I can allow myself to get swallowed in stress and anxiety. Money woes and work problems. Relationship issues and fights with my little bird... this year I am asking myself to remember to breathe and smile in moments of worry. I am reminding myself to find joy in the chaos, because the chaos is part of what makes living so much fun!

2. Move forward with dignity and self respect.

I often find myself at the mercy of my desires. Whether that means buying new cloths, eating junk food, or nurturing a disfunctional relationship. This year I am going to stop and ask myself before I act -with this choice am I respecting myself, my heart, my body, my mind?

3. floss.

Its silly I know, and its SO IMPORTANT! But I am sooo lazy, especially when I brush at night... I always make Renna floss... now I must MAKE MYSELF! In all fairness I floss in the morning, but I know I need to floss every night too... :)

May each of you travel in peace, dignity, and peppermint flavored waxed string in 2009 as well!

Shut In

2008-12-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

Dear God I'm going crazy. 3.5 weeks of being cooped in a house due to 2 illnesses will do that. And the last portion of these weeks have been spent cleaning up vomit. Needless to say it's done a number on my nerves. My house is a wreck. My brain's a wreck. Oh, and I've barely worked these few weeks. Merry Christmas.

Thank God my mom's coming in town and we've agreed if I do her holiday shopping she will help clean my house - YEAH! My house has gotten to the point of no return; I can't see past it's current state.

I need to go to a yoga class. I just need time away from my son. God it sounds horrible when I type that out, but really it's gotten to be too much for me these past few weeks. I had him in the stroller the other day and felt so liberated to be able to look around and think for myself for once without worrying about him puking or crying or whatever.

Ya, it's a low point for me for sure. And it's the holidays. I want this to be a beautiful time for both of us. Starting new traditions, etc. But this big black sick cloud has shut all of that out.

2008-12-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Back to the future mamas. I have a new Macbook. It took me a little while to save up and of course got alot of help from the family. My ex almost sabatoged the whole thing with money drama this month...but I got it!

I also am proud to say that I got on food stamps this month. Proud you may ask? Yes, it was alot of work and I need some sort of relief. Z and I were sick alot this month and I haven't worked in 3 weeks! That plus his dad is becoming extremely unreliable when it comes to the money he's supposed to send me. This month I got emergency food stamps. They're still reviewing my case for it to continue and to grant me medicaid. I haven't been to the doctor since after Z was born so this is huge for me. Cross your fingers.

Back to the ex. He calls me up to tell me that he's cutting my money in half unless I circumcise my son! We've already agreed to disagree on this subject and not bring it up anymore so as not to give Z a penis complex as he gets older. Everytime M goes back to the Middle East circumcision is back on the chopping block -sorry bad pun. He can't even give me a good sound moral or ethical reason other than millions of other Muslims do it. The "it's cleaner" argument does not fly with me as I have tons of medical evidence proving otherwise.

Yes, he cares so much about this heinous medical procedure, but does not call Z EVER anymore even when he knows how sick Z has been.

In other news we cut down our Christmas tree with RamaMama and her 2 kiddos. Well, the nice farm boy cut the tree down for us. It was so much fun and a great tradition to start for me and Z. Pretty hilarious site us 2 single mamas on the tree farm (me in my high heel boots and Z in his red Chinese outfit). Will post a pic soon. Happy Holidays everyone!

ex-in-laws...

2008-11-24T05:58:00.000-08:00

Oh sigh... the ex-in-laws were in town this past weekend... and I love them, they are great people. They bought Little Bird a pile of new winter cloths. They of course bought her toys and took her on adventures. They fixed my car window and brake light... I need their support when they give it and am very grateful! I think they are swell... but... its their son that makes me batty, he can be so juvenile. When my parents come into town they rarely see my ex. When his folks are in town I end up spending as much time with them as if they are my parents, and I don't mind spending time with them- don't get me wrong they are good people- but it pisses me off that he doesn't buck up and take charge when his family is here. He even acts like he is doing me a favor "getting them out of my hair" if he spends the day with them... and I am like WHAT! Thats your responsibility! Spend time with your family that traveled all this way to give their grand-baby, your daughter, some lovin!!! AGH!!! He acts like a child around them. The other night we all went to dinner and he was text messaging on his cell phone through the entire meal! When it comes down to it I understand why his mother reaches out to me when she visits... her own son acts like a teenage prig around her... ug... He did do better this visit, I will give him that, but still not great, and perhaps he never will do "great"... I mean really I am the one who remembers to send her birthday cards and thank you notes... I don't understand that, how can you forget your own mothers birthday? He still harbors so many resentments from his teenage years and childhood... Some things she deserves resentment for, but the other side of the equation is just his own instabilities and immaturity... sigh...

Floating

2008-11-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been without a computer for months now trying to save up for a new one. I have a hard time saving money apparently. There I've admitted it. Now the next step is doing something about it! (side not I'm able to write you now bcs Z's father is in town with his pretty new Mac.).

Well this mama is finally getting to go out more or at least semi party these days. Halloween proved fruitful as we had a party right here in my backyard. Z slept the night through (FIRST time ever!) I flirted with some boys and even had a strange come on experience with my neighbor (which I've decided not to pursue for obvious reasons). Point is I'm ready boys! ha. Really it would be nice to soon find someone to be intimate with but NOTHING serious. There is someone I"m interested in California, but that's far away making it more complicated.

As I mentioned Z's dad is in town. Z at 2 years old is just now starting to say daddy on his own accord. His friends who have fathers present have certainly been saying it longer. So it seems the bond is finally really starting with Z and his dad. We'll see what happens this time when he leaves (in 2 days).

I guess I feel lost in this sea of parenting. I mean I'm totally on key with the normal parenting duties; we've got a great schedule etc. It's just this grey area of emotional damage that I worry about. And I know I always say it's better that he's not witness to a loveless relationship; that it happened sooner rather than later. I guess it's just grey for me bcs his dad is around so little. Ah, who knows maybe in the end it's more positive for him. Maybe he's a better dad when he's around a little bit.

All I know is I'm happy and loving life. My 28th birthday is around the corner. I feel like I've had a full 20's with no regret, and for that I"m thankful. Hope to see some of you at my party on Nov 22nd :=)

days went by...

2008-10-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

I have much melancholy this morning. My daughter is getting too big, too fast... This year has been the big one for change. In kindergarten and first grade she still had those chubby cheeks, and was still tiny enough for me to scoop up and carry from the car as she slept on my shoulder... These days? Her face is thinning, she is looking so tall, and she is getting too heavy to carry. I am mourning the loss of my "baby" this morning. The conversations we have, the things she loves, the things that draw her in and fascinate her have changed so dramatically and so quickly... Everyone tells you when your child is a baby, a toddler, they all say "cherish it, it goes so fast" and you know they are right, you nod vigorously in agreement and you cherish each moment as much as you possibly can, but it still hits you in the gut when you realize the cuddle bug is gone... and this age too will pass, faster than I want it to... sigh... I have memories of her baby smell... and soft skin and hair... I remember holding her tiny body tucked in one arm... I remember the taste of her skin under my kisses before it had the flavor of playground grime and big kid dirt... I remember her tiny hand swallowed in my palm... I remember the concentration in making simple movements... I miss it... and I know that I will also miss this age. I will miss my seven year old. These days I hug her so often and so tightly, as if my squeeze will stop time, for at least a moment... sigh.

angry love

2008-10-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

i've been stuck in my little world for a while. working thru some issues with my lou. aggression. i must say that his karate classes have been great for him, and it's really exciting to see him so dedicated. i think i've been working thru some of my own issues as well. as for his dad, he had to go out of town, for six weeks, with out any warning, because he forgot to tell us. needless to say lou did not handle it well. he was hurt, and angry. but he doesn't want to be angry at his dad because he gives him everything he wants. hmmmm. so i get the backlash. which in it's own was is a compliment. he's secure enough with me to just let it all hang out.

so we had 6 weeks of angry love. ha. such passion.

also, at parent teacher meetings i found out that louie may have dyslexia. which makes alot of sense. he's brilliant but has such a hard time writing his words, and dumb himself down just to get thru the writing. writing on just one line is the end of the world to him. and when i tell him to correct a backwards letter, lawwd help us. he's been so frustrated. so, now i'm not focusing on the spelling, straightness, or "frontwardness". i want him to find his freedom in expressing his thoughts in writing. he has such great profound thoughts! we are going to start testing, apparently it's a long process, but i dont want him to suffer when we could start helping him. he's so frustrated, i'm afraid he'll just shut down, and with a boy like lou, that's just not an option. he's everything to me.

one time he told me " mom, life is like driving a remote controlled car..... it doesn't always go where you think it will, and sometimes you crash, but you just pick it up, and put it back on the ground and try again. "

......and i love his angry love, i hope he holds his dedication to his passionate feelings his whole life.

Princess Smartypants

2008-10-13T14:31:00.001-07:00

Princess Smartypants is a fabulous book that my mother bought me when I was in high school. It is a children's book about a princess who is of marrying age, and her parents and the entire kingdom are pressuring her to get married. She doesn't want to, so she creates all of these crazy challenges for the princes to accomplish before they can win her hand. None of them succeed until Prince Swashbuckler comes along, and he accomplish every task, much to the chagrin of Ms Smartypants. Well, in the end, she kisses him and he turns into a frog and she sends him on his way. I love this book. I love it because it is a breathe of fresh air! In our culture little girls are inundated with tales of "Happily Ever After" and its always about romantic love. BARF! As a single adult I am so sick of the question "are you seeing anyone?" Like thats the most important news in my life? Well, I am not seeing anyone, and its not because I don't have my share of suitors, its because I have no need to be in a "couple". And you know what else- I am happy! I love my life. The assumption is that I cannot be complete if I am not "partnered." But my life is so full, in so many wonderful ways! My career, my health, my daughter, my friendships, my family. I am receiving love from many people in my life! Happiness is not defined by my relationship status. And yes, I would love HELP with the kiddo every now and then, but the older she gets the easier raising her solo gets, and on top of that, I have a huge network of support in my friends and family. I worry about my Little Bird falling into the trap of "you must have a boyfriend to have value in your life". I see many adults hop from relationship to relationship, not even knowing how to be alone! I do not want my daughter to become one of those women! The scary thing is that at seven years old she already has ideas about love and BOYS, and that is scary! She already has a crush on Zac Efron! She has already been busted kissing boys on the playground! The funny (and rather savvy) thing about my Little Bird is that to me she says "oh mom, I am too young for boys" but her little boyfriends mom tells me "Oh they are so cute, they have already named their children." AAAaaahhhh!!! I hear her playing with her friends in her room the "boyfriend game." Its not just her either, I know that its all the kids, they are playing these courtship games on the playground. And although I hate it and it does freak me out- I also recognize that Renna has to learn that she is all the love she needs the hard way, like the rest of us... She will need to experience love and loss and crushes and all of that. And yes, "all of that" adds a beautiful flavor to a life- BUT I just wish our culture would stop putting so much emphasis on coupling! It belittles a woman's value, worth, and strength. This little blog rant of mine is reminding me of a Sex In The City episode, where Carrie writes about the "shoulds" that women have to juggle. Should have a baby. Should have a husband... and then you reach 30 and you don't have these things? Does that mean you failed at life? ... I want my daughter to read more books and see more movies that are NOT about finding love. I want her to learn and know that the value of her existence can be defined only be herself and can be made only by the strength of her own choices. She defines her own measures for success in this life.

p.s. physical pleasure is a completely separate conversation and not one for the single mommy blog (wink wink)... my thoughts on that and my thoughts on the need for romantic love are not necessarily confined to the same conversation... but I did want to add this "p.s." because it is a very valid argument against my rant... the thing is- I am talking very specifically about the "hollywood one true love" ideals, the dusty ideas that a woman's goal in life is wedded bliss, and the fact that although modern women perceive themselves as being beyond those ideas and ideals- the fact is, I see my daughter being "taught" those lessons by way of our cultures undying expectations and definitions of femininity... oh I am not completely bitter- I recognize that progress is made, woman by woman, step by step, but alas the problems are not gone- I just hope my little one becomes a woman who takes a step in the right direction. I hope my little bird becomes a part of the change, the transformation, and the solution, as oppose to a part of the status quo... AND this doesn't mean that I think she shouldn't find love or get married if she chooses to someday, it just means that I hope she has a clear idea of her own value with or without "wedded bliss"

p.p.s. I also get very angry with people who think a single parent family is inadequate. Aren't we evolved enough at this point to accept that families come in all genders and sizes? One mom? One dad? A mom and a dad? Two dads? Two moms? Each type of family is of equal value!! There is no better and no worse! The only true NEED in defining a family is LOVE! Love love love. That is, as the Beatles sing, "all you need"

One Big Headache

2008-10-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Well Z's dad is in town. And when he's in town that means he stays with us. He gives us a pretty good amount of money each month so that I don't have to work too much while Z is little. Right now it does not leave much money for him to say stay in a hotel so I have to grin and bear it and make the most out of this HEADACHE of an experience.

He annoys me on so many levels. This week I"ve been dealing with the fact that I found out he has some girlfriend in Boston. Some chick he was cutting his mere week with Z short to fly off to Boston. Him having an American or Western girlfriend is really hard for me to know about. While most of our problems deal with his lying and cheating, alot of our problems were cultural/religious; and he's always said the next time he marries it will be to an Arab girl. I know it's silly and petty, but somehow it stings me.

Also having him in town has brought up my lingering feelings of how I wish Z was growing up in a 2 parent family. By no means do I wish it was with HIM! I just see my friends with their husbands and remember that's how I imagined my life. I know, I know, the grass is never greener on the other side. I guess these are just things I"ll grapple with as a single mom.

Ugh, he leaves on Saturday and I'll be there to explain to my confused toddler why Daddy can't say night night to him anymore.

I just came back from my first vacation in 2 years, feeling so happy and refreshed; only to have him arrive the next day. So I'm feeling a wee bit low this week. Should take Z out for a jog tomorrow. That should help. MEN!

I Enjoy Being A Girl

2008-09-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

"When I have a brand new hairdo

With my eyelashes all in curl,

I float as the clouds on air do,

I enjoy being a girl!"

I sang that song for a music camp when I was in elementary school... and its true... I do. I enjoy being a girl. I think its fun... I like to be feminine. I enjoy a pretty dress, cute shoes, and some fancy-fancy around my neck... I like these things. I have too many purses to count, and don't get my started on my collection of dresses...

Well... These things have been soaked up by my little sponge... aka my daughter. She is a girly girl. She takes ions of time getting ready for school in the morning (she is SEVEN!). She will try on ten things and complain she doesn't have anything to wear. She has a zillion pairs of shoes and just as many purses as I have! It is out of control. The other day she said to me "mom, I didn't change my outfit once today! Weird huh? I just love this dress"

I laughed to myself. What a funny little peanut... and I also frowned a little inside... and feel a little guilty... And you know, I can laugh about some of those things, but then I stop and think about them for a second longer... and I become worried and sobered... have I inadvertently lead my daughter into the trap of feminine stereo-types?

I like to think of myself as a "have it both ways" girl. I love a good dress, but I am not gonna wear a bra everyday and I don't shave my armpits. Make-up? For a special event or play. A cute pair of shoes? A little nail polish? yes please! The question becomes, how do I teach my Little Bird the balance? Yes you can like these things and have fun with it, but do not identify yourself with your looks. Be healthy. Be clean. BUT more importantly be thoughtful, be fierce of intellect and strong of heart. Love and nurture and be kind. Be a well rounded human being!

With every image coming from the magazine rack, the movie screen, and the tv being an image of flawless beauty- I have found it crucial to remind my wee fairy, that she can also be the wise wizard! And yes, it is pretty great being a girl! BUT being a girl is so much more than just what you are wearing.

p.s. I read the last two paragraphs to Little Bird... and she said "I like the part where you say she can be more than a wise wizard." That makes me smile... and I know... she will find the balance. It is in her already.... :)

Baby's Daddy

2008-09-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

Coming to terms with the man. We all have to. I've recently made my final decision on Z's last name. I'd been battling with changing it to mine, keeping his father's...? Keeping his namesake attachment to his father. Something so important in Arabic culture (Z is half Palestinian). While filling out our paperwork for the mommy and me Waldorf program we're doing (LOVE it! btw); I found myself hyphenating his name and loving it. Riley-Mustafa. It honors me his hard working single mama, but also keeps his few attachments to his Palestinian heritage. Also looks better on the passport for security checks as he gets older!
Now hopefully his father will agree and make the change easy!...

3 days till beach vacation. I have not been on a real vacation since I was 6 months pregnant. I am so ready. Well not really I've got a ton to do so wish me luck on that.

Oh, dancing this weekend was great. The forces of nature, a la Hurricane Ike, brought my mom, brother, and sister in town. I hope to keep dancing once a month as my feet love the floor.

I may try and write from the beach, although it's my goal to be sans internet...we'll see how I do!

Peace mamas.

workin' mom

2008-09-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Raising a child is not a picnic... whether you do it alone or with a partner. Parenting is a challenge.. a rewarding one, but a challenge none the less... The specific challenge that has been on my mind alot these days is balancing career and child... How do I fit both into my life? How do I fit both without one being cheated? and without becoming totally exhausted? The bottom line is that I am afraid of the time I miss with Renna.

When I was growing up, I saw that my mother gave up everything for us kids. She quit school to marry my dad and move from Wisconson to the Dakotas, and then she became a stay at home mother until my younger brother was 3. At that time she began working at the preschool that all of her children had attended. Since then she has worked primarily as a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, she is good at it, and some days I know she loves it and finds it rewarding... but I also know that she has moments of wondering "what am I doing? where has my life gone? and what dreams have I accomplished?" I saw her struggle with this...I see her still today mourn her life choices in someways... because of that, I always said to myself "When I have children, I will not let my career and my passions be forgotten." I thought then, and still believe very strongly now, that I need to show my child how to live a full life. Part of that equation is career. Having a vocation, not just a job, and loving it...

Which brings me to my challenge. My daughter is 7. I am an interdisciplinary theater artist. Which is the fancy way to say that I am an actress, director, and producer. I also as run an arts venue and theater education program. Through-out my pregnancy I continued to perform. By the time Renna was two weeks old, I was back in rehearsals. Through out her seven years I imagine my little one has often had the words of Arrested Development (the band not the tv show) running through her head... "Momma's always on stage"... and its true, and it tears me in a million directions. She is in school all day, but my work takes place at night...

I love my work. I am passionately addicted to it. I thrive on being busy! I am invigorated by the creative process! I, of course, love my girl. She is the blessing of my life. There is no meaning without her. And here is where the conflict arises... I looked at my daughter the other day and gasped... 7 years old? How did that happen so quickly? Where does the time go? I fear I am missing out on precious moments each time I walk out the door to a rehearsal. The other element is that I am juggling this all with minimal support from her father. He watches her one or two nights a week at most, usually just one. The other nights I am cashing in on babysitting trades so Renna spends a great deal of her evenings at other peoples houses. This alone racks me with guilt. The dilemma dances circles around my head and I always end up back where I started.

It is a balancing act... I want to keep working. I want to be the best example of a powerful capable woman that I can be! I also want to make my time with her a priority. I want to continue to pick her up from school and spend every afternoon with her... and each day I just have to keep at it. Keep trying... and keep giving that little one big hugs every chance I get, and keep showing her that she can be a success at whatever she endeavors... There is no easy answer. Or perfect solution. There is only balance.

sometimes the road seems so long.....

2008-09-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

yeah, i know.... where's the sunshine in that?!? but really, it's the truth... sometimes.

and sometimes i wonder where all the time went. how did louie suddenly get so tall!! when did that back-talk start exactly? hmmm. i know i've been here the whole time, and then i remember, oh yeah, single mom-dom. i feel like i am pushing so hard, running all over the place to cover all the details, fearing ever dropping the ball, that i look up and he's changed so much in just a few days, and...... (gasp) i missed it.

i guess it's normal. he's 7, a second grader, kids change so much at this age. recently i've been reaching back to my 7 year old, 2nd grader memories and i remember everything just pissing me right off. i felt like a big kid, in my book i was a big kid. that's were the back-talking started. i was so frustrated. so i'm trying to remember that. trying.....

ha!!!!!!

so my back up plan is enrolling him in martial arts, starting classes tomorrow....

Up and Up

2008-09-08T12:03:00.001-07:00

2008-09-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

Life is on the up these days. No fights with my ex, well no communication with the ex, but hey he's sending us money so no complaints there. I just get a little sad for Z sometimes when he starts doing his sign for daddy, or when we read the train book about daddy. Again, I am definitely more affected by this than he is, thank goodness.

I've found cleaning at night is the most productive. That way I maximize my time with Z during the day. It also feels like Christmas when I wake up to a clean house after a hard night's work. I rearranged the house for like the 3rd time this month and am extremely excited for my new meditation area overlooking our beautiful yard.

Also on the up: I'm fitting into my pre-pregnancy tight black pants again! My pre-preg jeans fit perfect and will soon hopefully be loose!! This is so exciting!!!

On a side confession note: I've been having this curiosity fantasy about the really nice African American blind guy that I always pass when jogging. We always stop to talk to him and his dog. I don't know what it is but I keep wondering what it would be like to sleep with him; not even in a sexual wondering way, more in a like connecting with this really nice human being who can't see way. This is certainly nothing I will act on, but hey who doesn't like a juicy confession :-)

I still think my neighbor is totally hot. I may act on this one day!

I'm dying to go dancing again soon. Hopefully I can get my mom to come into town again so I can have a night OUT on the town. Thank goodness I had too many party nights while living in NYC... I partied enough for 3 reincarnations. I thank Z for grounding me again and making me a better human being.