and the days go by...

Single mommas are busy! Boy are we... Hence the long gaps in posting anything... Lots of things have changed since my last post, and simultaneously things are just flowing along as they always have...

Big things that changed? Little Bird turned nine, got her ears pierced, and just graduated third grade. This birthday hit me pretty hard. I find as a parent I get so use to a particular age or phase and start to think that Bird will be in that phase forever and then BOOM! her face is looking thinner and more defined. Her mannerisms and conversations are 9 going on 15. She only has 2 more years left in elementary school. It stuns me to stop and think about how quickly the days just fly by... And whenever I do stop and think about the speed with which time flies I think about how much I need to re-embrace the moment, cherish the impermanence, and make my life and Little Birds life as full as I can!

Speaking of full lives, summer is upon us! Camps and trips and family visiting is here and I cannot wait! I am having a hard time keeping focused on work these days as I keep day dreaming about my adventures that are yet to come! I signed Bird up for an intro to sewing class. I hope she likes it. I am also going to start making her go to a weekly kids yoga class too. I am taking a trip to Chicago in a couple of weeks and we are both going to Wisconson and South Dakota for most of July. Then, in August I think I will adventure to Marfa to see the alien lights!

And speaking of adventures I have entered a new phase and new dilemma in my single parenting journey. For the first time since I separated from Birds dad I have met someone that I might introduce her to. Its throwing me for a loop. I had always made a rule for myself that I would not introduce her to anyone until I knew for sure that it was "the one for a long time" ... but this new person... I am not sure and don't think about in terms of future, but I know that I want to see him, alot, like, all the time. As a single mom with full custody I don't really get the opportunity to have free time with out my Bird being with me... so out of a desire to see him and the necessity to care for her I think they will meet way sooner than I would really like and am ready for... The other side of this issue is that Renna has never known me to date. She keeps her crushes top secret, even when I ask her about them... and the other day when I mentioned very lightly that I had a crush on someone she got really really upset... I talked her down but it made me think- wow- maybe I have been wrong to hide these relationships from her in the past? Have I warped her perspective on men and dating? Have I made this an even bigger mess than it needed to be? Her dad dates very openly and she is fine with that, even likes all his girlfriends... but with me, she is freaked out. I asked her if it was about me not spending enough time with her, she said it was that and just felt weird to her... I think I will just keep taking it one day at a time and see where this journey takes us...

I need to stop worrying... I need to remember once again that life is too short and flies by too damn fast! I need to trust that I am a smart enough, level headed enough lady to make the right move in terms of bring people into mine and Birds life... Trust. Trust, trust. And remember to live my life to the fullest!

New Life Beachside

Well, it's been a long time since anyone's written!...so here I am. It's been 4 months since the move... Lots of big news. Number one being my baby's daddy completely cut himself out of Z's life. Ya. Apparently he's been reading my facebook and emails since the divorce for over 2 years now. Yes I changed my passwords...finally. He read some things I said recently and was not happy with them. He's a 40 yr old man who barely has a job, is trying to get a masters degree, and is expecting another baby. He hasn't seen Z in almost 2 years. He barely was sending us any money. What good should I have to say about this man in my personal emails to my friends?! So that's big news. I'm happy to no longer be dependent on him and worry about his negative influence on Z being the volatile unreliable person he is.

Other big news is that it seems I have a lovely Swedish boyfriend :-) We've been dating since after Thanksgiving, and last weekend after an amazing date filled with massages, swimming in mineral pools, naughtiness on the pier, et al...he asked me how many dates in America till you're considered boyfriend/girlfriend. So cute. I told him I want to take it slow...but def don't want to date anyone else. So yes ladies and gentlemen, this single mama has some hot love in her life.

But my question or point for that matter is...even though i'm not "single" in my love life, I'm still single in my parenting life. So ladies and gents I'm still with you as a single mom :-)

Life in FL is great. The beach is beautiful. I'm meeting new friends. We're spending time with family. Z's been disneyfied much to my horror, but what can you do when Cinderella is right down the street?

Work's a little sparse but is picking up. I go where the wind blows and it's always somewhere better and positive. Blow wind. Blow.

This Town, Goodbye Town

We went to Mexico. Ahhh. I sat on the beach alot. Drank mojitos alot. And realized that it was time to make the long talked about move to Florida. Austin's just not my place anymore. It served itself beautifully the first few years of Z's life. I'm off to be closer to family and Inshallah go to grad school...hurray!

It's true when you don't feel at home somewhere... Plus I have insane allergies here. I still hope to eventually end up on a houseboat in Kashmir teaching to the local village children, or somewhere far off breathing in the air. After grad school. Hurrah! Inshallah.

So I have 11 days till I drive off into the sunset waving goodbye to a good 3 year stint in Austin. I can't wait for the beach. The sunsets. The water on my feet. The sand. The seagulls and pelicans. The cute surfer dudes too. Palm trees. Family.

I don't wanna be nice!

Oh man. Its really hard to be nice sometimes... Especially when dealing with the Ex. My Little Bird returned home after being away for two months. I have had two communications with her dad since she has been back and BOTH times he was rude. UG! You would think two months of not speaking to each other would help him calm down but no... another reminder that he is and always will be an angry person. I was proud of myself though because both times he tried to start a fight I said "you are trying to fight and I will not go there" and then I redirected the conversation to the schedule etc etc and that was that.. but man oh man, we have been separated for five years now and we still have so much tension between us. I have friends who are more recently separated and I wish I could tell them it gets easier but it doesn't, the problems just change, but there are still problems.

Deep breathe. Grant me patience. Deep breathe. Help me learn from my past mistakes with this man, help me avoid the sore spots. Deep breathe. Help me forgive and release my anger. I need to let my anger go... but thats hard to do... especially when you really really don't want to be nice!

Dear Little Bird,

Yesterday I was a mom who missed her Little Bird.

Today I am a mom who misses her Little Bird.

Tomorrow I will still be a mom missing my Little Bird.

Little Bird I am so happy for you! I hope you are having fun on your annual summer stay with grandma and grandpa. You are so lucky that your trip includes travel, complimentary breakfast, clean mountain air, cable, and infinite amounts of love. Little Bird you are blessed to have those visits with grandma and grandpa in South Dakota every summer.

But Little Bird, this summer is the longest time you will have been away from me (eight entire weeks). Little Bird, it is also, so far, the first time you have not cried for me... there are still four weeks of vacation left, so you could still call me all teary... but to date- you are dry eyed! You are so happy and secure in your self. You are becoming a confidant and independent young girl. I am proud of you and happy for you. I am so glad that you have this time with family. I am so glad you have this time in the mountains. I am so... so... so darn sorry for myself... ha!

Oh poor old forgotten mom! Home in Texas. Working all the time and really really hot all the time and really really tired of being hot all the time AND has mommy ranted about how bored she is? Well. She is... without Little Bird around mommy doesn't know how to fill her days! Well actually my days become quite full, too full, but full of WORK and little play! and she is jealous of that cable and those home cooked meals and that clean mountain air! and really most of all mommy just misses you...

I miss you and wish I was to hugging you and kissing you goodnight every night... which is why I call you... everyday. I call you every day and make you talk to me even when you would rather watch TV, or roast a marsh-mellow, or ride your bike around the block... because I wish I was hugging you RIGHT NOW and burying my nose in your hair and taking in the scents of hard play and imagination and Jason's Tea Tree Oil Shampoo because of that- I kiss the phone and say "I love you, I will call you tomorrow."

So, this is a letter from mom.

From mom who misses Little Bird.

From mom who can't wait to give Little Bird big kisses in just 4 short weeks.

xoxo

Mom

Follow The Beat

So it's almost Only 2 Hands' one year birthday ladies and gents. That's pretty exciting. Also impressive that us busy single mamas took the time to write - bravo. Who knows...maybe for our birthday we'll add a male writer to the mix?

It's been a while since I posted. Twitter's been making it easier for me to do this, apologies. I"m back.

Lots to tell, but I"ll start with most recent and leave it at that.
Works going great, I have lots more both teaching yoga and with my assistant job.
Looks like I'll be able to afford staying here longer - yeah!! I love our country oasis in the middle of the city. I'm getting a new car too (well used of course)... a diesel VW Jetta - soon I can use vegetable oil!

Today was Father's Day so we Skyped Z's dad (who hasn't contacted us in a month). Z told his dad "Happy Father's Day" and M replied, "He sounds like and American."

Well of course, he's being raised only by his American mother. I really want Z to learn Arabic, but his dad's across the Atlantic and I don't speak it very well. I've actually started considering putting him in Hebrew classes. My in-laws would freak, but the languages are so similar and use the same parts of the brain that I think it'd be easier for him to learn Arabic in adulthood. (FYI There are no Arabic classes for Z's age in Austin...I can get a scholarship for him to learn Hebrew at age 2).

I've been swimming every single day welcoming the summer weather. We went to Krause Springs yesterday and Deep Eddy today. Two days of 68º spring plunges does a body good.

Click below to win a Madsen bicycle!