Shut In

Dear God I'm going crazy.  3.5 weeks of being cooped in a house due to 2 illnesses will do that.  And the last portion of these weeks have been spent cleaning up vomit.  Needless to say it's done a number on my nerves.  My house is a wreck.  My brain's a wreck.  Oh, and I've barely worked these few weeks.  Merry Christmas.

Thank God my mom's coming in town and we've agreed if I do her holiday shopping she will help clean my house - YEAH!  My house has gotten to the point of no return; I can't see past it's current state.

I need to go to a yoga class.  I just need time away from my son.  God it sounds horrible when I type that out, but really it's gotten to be too much for me these past few weeks.  I had him in the stroller the other day and felt so liberated to be able to look around and think for myself for once without worrying about him puking or crying or whatever.

Ya, it's a low point for me for sure.  And it's the holidays.  I want this to be a beautiful time for both of us.  Starting new traditions, etc.  But this big black sick cloud has shut all of that out.

Back to the future mamas.  I have a new Macbook.  It took me a little while to save up and of course got alot of help from the family.  My ex almost sabatoged the whole thing with money drama this month...but I got it!  

I also am proud to say that I got on food stamps this month.  Proud you may ask?  Yes, it was alot of work and I need some sort of relief.  Z and I were sick alot this month and I haven't worked in 3 weeks!  That plus his dad is becoming extremely unreliable when it comes to the money he's supposed to send me.  This month I got emergency food stamps.  They're still reviewing my case for it to continue and to grant me medicaid.  I haven't been to the doctor since after Z was born so this is huge for me.  Cross your fingers.

Back to the ex.  He calls me up to tell me that he's cutting my money in half unless I circumcise my son!  We've already agreed to disagree on this subject and not bring it up anymore so as not to give Z a penis complex as he gets older.  Everytime M goes back to the Middle East circumcision is back on the chopping block -sorry bad pun.  He can't even give me a good sound moral or ethical reason other than millions of other Muslims do it.  The "it's cleaner" argument does not fly with me as I have tons of medical evidence proving otherwise.

Yes, he cares so much about this heinous medical procedure, but does not call Z EVER anymore even when he knows how sick Z has been.

In other news we cut down our Christmas tree with RamaMama and her 2 kiddos.  Well, the nice farm boy cut the tree down for us.  It was so much fun and a great tradition to start for me and Z.  Pretty hilarious site us 2 single mamas on the tree farm (me in my high heel boots and Z in his red Chinese outfit).  Will post a pic soon.  Happy Holidays everyone!

ex-in-laws...

Oh sigh... the ex-in-laws were in town this past weekend... and I love them, they are great people. They bought Little Bird a pile of new winter cloths. They of course bought her toys and took her on adventures. They fixed my car window and brake light... I need their support when they give it and am very grateful! I think they are swell... but... its their son that makes me batty, he can be so juvenile. When my parents come into town they rarely see my ex. When his folks are in town I end up spending as much time with them as if they are my parents, and I don't mind spending time with them- don't get me wrong they are good people- but it pisses me off that he doesn't buck up and take charge when his family is here. He even acts like he is doing me a favor "getting them out of my hair" if he spends the day with them... and I am like WHAT! Thats your responsibility! Spend time with your family that traveled all this way to give their grand-baby, your daughter, some lovin!!! AGH!!! He acts like a child around them. The other night we all went to dinner and he was text messaging on his cell phone through the entire meal! When it comes down to it I understand why his mother reaches out to me when she visits... her own son acts like a teenage prig around her... ug... He did do better this visit, I will give him that, but still not great, and perhaps he never will do "great"... I mean really I am the one who remembers to send her birthday cards and thank you notes... I don't understand that, how can you forget your own mothers birthday? He still harbors so many resentments from his teenage years and childhood... Some things she deserves resentment for, but the other side of the equation is just his own instabilities and immaturity... sigh...

Floating

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been without a computer for months now trying to save up for a new one. I have a hard time saving money apparently. There I've admitted it. Now the next step is doing something about it! (side not I'm able to write you now bcs Z's father is in town with his pretty new Mac.).

Well this mama is finally getting to go out more or at least semi party these days. Halloween proved fruitful as we had a party right here in my backyard. Z slept the night through (FIRST time ever!) I flirted with some boys and even had a strange come on experience with my neighbor (which I've decided not to pursue for obvious reasons). Point is I'm ready boys! ha. Really it would be nice to soon find someone to be intimate with but NOTHING serious. There is someone I"m interested in California, but that's far away making it more complicated.

As I mentioned Z's dad is in town. Z at 2 years old is just now starting to say daddy on his own accord. His friends who have fathers present have certainly been saying it longer. So it seems the bond is finally really starting with Z and his dad. We'll see what happens this time when he leaves (in 2 days).

I guess I feel lost in this sea of parenting. I mean I'm totally on key with the normal parenting duties; we've got a great schedule etc. It's just this grey area of emotional damage that I worry about. And I know I always say it's better that he's not witness to a loveless relationship; that it happened sooner rather than later. I guess it's just grey for me bcs his dad is around so little. Ah, who knows maybe in the end it's more positive for him. Maybe he's a better dad when he's around a little bit.

All I know is I'm happy and loving life. My 28th birthday is around the corner. I feel like I've had a full 20's with no regret, and for that I"m thankful. Hope to see some of you at my party on Nov 22nd :=)

days went by...

I have much melancholy this morning. My daughter is getting too big, too fast... This year has been the big one for change. In kindergarten and first grade she still had those chubby cheeks, and was still tiny enough for me to scoop up and carry from the car as she slept on my shoulder... These days? Her face is thinning, she is looking so tall, and she is getting too heavy to carry. I am mourning the loss of my "baby" this morning. The conversations we have, the things she loves, the things that draw her in and fascinate her have changed so dramatically and so quickly... Everyone tells you when your child is a baby, a toddler, they all say "cherish it, it goes so fast" and you know they are right, you nod vigorously in agreement and you cherish each moment as much as you possibly can, but it still hits you in the gut when you realize the cuddle bug is gone... and this age too will pass, faster than I want it to... sigh... I have memories of her baby smell... and soft skin and hair... I remember holding her tiny body tucked in one arm... I remember the taste of her skin under my kisses before it had the flavor of playground grime and big kid dirt... I remember her tiny hand swallowed in my palm... I remember the concentration in making simple movements... I miss it... and I know that I will also miss this age. I will miss my seven year old. These days I hug her so often and so tightly, as if my squeeze will stop time, for at least a moment... sigh. 

angry love

i've been stuck in my little world for a while. working thru some issues with my lou. aggression. i must say that his karate classes have been great for him, and it's really exciting to see him so dedicated. i think i've been working thru some of my own issues as well. as for his dad, he had to go out of town, for six weeks, with out any warning,  because he forgot to tell us. needless to say lou did not handle it well. he was hurt, and angry. but he doesn't want to be angry at his dad because he gives him everything he wants. hmmmm. so i get the backlash. which in it's own was is a compliment. he's secure enough with me to just let it all hang out. 

so we had 6 weeks of angry love. ha. such passion.

also, at parent teacher meetings i found out that louie may have dyslexia. which makes alot of sense. he's brilliant but has such a hard time writing his words, and dumb himself down just to get thru the writing. writing on just one line is the end of the world to him. and when i tell him to correct a backwards letter, lawwd help us. he's been so frustrated. so, now i'm not focusing on the spelling, straightness, or "frontwardness". i want him to find his freedom in expressing his thoughts in writing. he has such great profound thoughts! we are going to start testing, apparently it's a long process, but i dont want him to suffer when we could start helping him. he's so frustrated, i'm afraid he'll just shut down, and with a boy like lou, that's just not an option. he's everything to me. 

one time he told me " mom, life is like driving a remote controlled car..... it doesn't always go where you think it will, and sometimes you crash, but you just pick it up, and put it back on the ground and try again. "

......and i love his angry love, i hope he holds his dedication to his passionate feelings his whole life. 

Princess Smartypants

Princess Smartypants is a fabulous book that my mother bought me when I was in high school. It is a children's book about a princess who is of marrying age, and her parents and the entire kingdom are pressuring her to get married. She doesn't want to, so she creates all of these crazy challenges for the princes to accomplish before they can win her hand. None of them succeed until Prince Swashbuckler comes along, and he accomplish every task, much to the chagrin of Ms Smartypants. Well, in the end, she kisses him and he turns into a frog and she sends him on his way. I love this book. I love it because it is a breathe of fresh air! In our culture little girls are inundated with tales of "Happily Ever After" and its always about romantic love. BARF! As a single adult I am so sick of the question "are you seeing anyone?" Like thats the most important news in my life? Well, I am not seeing anyone, and its not because I don't have my share of suitors, its because I have no need to be in a "couple". And you know what else- I am happy! I love my life. The assumption is that I cannot be complete if I am not "partnered." But my life is so full, in so many wonderful ways! My career, my health, my daughter, my friendships, my family. I am receiving love from many people in my life! Happiness is not defined by my relationship status. And yes, I would love HELP with the kiddo every now and then, but the older she gets the easier raising her solo gets, and on top of that, I have a huge network of support in my friends and family. I worry about my Little Bird falling into the trap of "you must have a boyfriend to have value in your life". I see many adults hop from relationship to relationship, not even knowing how to be alone! I do not want my daughter to become one of those women! The scary thing is that at seven years old she already has ideas about love and BOYS, and that is scary! She already has a crush on Zac Efron! She has already been busted kissing boys on the playground! The funny (and rather savvy) thing about my Little Bird is that to me she says "oh mom, I am too young for boys" but her little boyfriends mom tells me "Oh they are so cute, they have already named their children." AAAaaahhhh!!! I hear her playing with her friends in her room  the "boyfriend game." Its not just her either, I know that its all the kids, they are playing these courtship games on the playground. And although I hate it and it does freak me out- I also recognize that Renna has to learn that she is all the love she needs the hard way, like the rest of us... She will need to experience love and loss and crushes and all of that. And yes, "all of that" adds a beautiful flavor to a life- BUT I just wish our culture would stop putting so much emphasis on coupling! It belittles a woman's value, worth, and strength. This little blog rant of mine is reminding me of a Sex In The City episode, where Carrie writes about the "shoulds" that women have to juggle. Should have a baby. Should have a husband... and then you reach 30 and you don't have these things? Does that mean you failed at life? ... I want my daughter to read more books and see more movies that are NOT about finding love. I want her to learn and know that the value of her existence can be defined only be herself and can be made only by the strength of her own choices. She defines her own measures for success in this life. 

p.s. physical pleasure is a completely separate conversation and not one for the single mommy blog (wink wink)... my thoughts on that and my thoughts on the need for romantic love are not necessarily confined to the same conversation... but I did want to add this "p.s." because it is a very valid argument against my rant... the thing is- I am talking very specifically about the "hollywood one true love" ideals, the dusty ideas that a woman's goal in life is wedded bliss, and the fact that although modern women perceive themselves as being beyond those ideas and ideals- the fact is, I see my daughter being "taught" those lessons by way of our cultures undying expectations and definitions of femininity... oh I am not completely bitter- I recognize that progress is made, woman by woman, step by step, but alas the problems are not gone- I just hope my little one becomes a woman who takes a step in the right direction. I hope my little bird becomes a part of the change, the transformation, and the solution, as oppose to a part of the status quo... AND this doesn't mean that I think she shouldn't find love or get married if she chooses to someday, it just means that I hope she has a clear idea of her own value with or without "wedded bliss"

p.p.s. I also get very angry with people who think a single parent family is inadequate. Aren't we evolved enough at this point to accept that families come in all genders and sizes? One mom? One dad? A mom and a dad? Two dads? Two moms? Each type of family is of equal value!! There is no better and no worse! The only true NEED in defining a family is LOVE! Love love love. That is, as the Beatles sing, "all you need"

One Big Headache

Well Z's dad is in town. And when he's in town that means he stays with us. He gives us a pretty good amount of money each month so that I don't have to work too much while Z is little. Right now it does not leave much money for him to say stay in a hotel so I have to grin and bear it and make the most out of this HEADACHE of an experience.

He annoys me on so many levels. This week I"ve been dealing with the fact that I found out he has some girlfriend in Boston. Some chick he was cutting his mere week with Z short to fly off to Boston. Him having an American or Western girlfriend is really hard for me to know about. While most of our problems deal with his lying and cheating, alot of our problems were cultural/religious; and he's always said the next time he marries it will be to an Arab girl. I know it's silly and petty, but somehow it stings me.

Also having him in town has brought up my lingering feelings of how I wish Z was growing up in a 2 parent family. By no means do I wish it was with HIM! I just see my friends with their husbands and remember that's how I imagined my life. I know, I know, the grass is never greener on the other side. I guess these are just things I"ll grapple with as a single mom.

Ugh, he leaves on Saturday and I'll be there to explain to my confused toddler why Daddy can't say night night to him anymore.

I just came back from my first vacation in 2 years, feeling so happy and refreshed; only to have him arrive the next day. So I'm feeling a wee bit low this week. Should take Z out for a jog tomorrow. That should help. MEN!

I Enjoy Being A Girl

"When I have a brand new hairdo

With my eyelashes all in curl,

I float as the clouds on air do,

I enjoy being a girl!"

I sang that song for a music camp when I was in elementary school... and its true... I do. I enjoy being a girl. I think its fun... I like to be feminine. I enjoy a pretty dress, cute shoes, and some fancy-fancy around my neck... I like these things. I have too many purses to count, and don't get my started on my collection of dresses... 

Well... These things have been soaked up by my little sponge... aka my daughter. She is a girly girl. She takes ions of time getting ready for school in the morning (she is SEVEN!). She will try on ten things and complain she doesn't have anything to wear. She has a zillion pairs of shoes and just as many purses as I have! It is out of control. The other day she said to me "mom, I didn't change my outfit once today! Weird huh? I just love this dress" 

I laughed to myself. What a funny little peanut... and I also frowned a little inside... and feel a little guilty... And you know, I can laugh about some of those things, but then I stop and think about them for a second longer... and I become worried and sobered... have I inadvertently lead my daughter into the trap of feminine stereo-types? 

I like to think of myself as a "have it both ways" girl. I love a good dress, but I am not gonna wear a bra everyday and I don't shave my armpits. Make-up? For a special event or play. A cute pair of shoes? A little nail polish? yes please! The question becomes, how do I teach my Little Bird the balance? Yes you can like these things and have fun with it, but do not identify yourself with your looks. Be healthy. Be clean. BUT more importantly be thoughtful, be fierce of intellect and strong of heart. Love and nurture and be kind. Be a well rounded human being! 

With every image coming from the magazine rack, the movie screen, and the tv being an image of flawless beauty- I have found it crucial to remind my wee fairy, that she can also be the wise   wizard! And yes, it is pretty great being a girl! BUT being a girl is so much more than just what you are wearing.

p.s. I read the last two paragraphs to Little Bird... and she said "I like the part where you say she can be more than a wise wizard." That makes me smile... and I know... she will find the balance. It is in her already.... :) 

Baby's Daddy

Coming to terms with the man. We all have to. I've recently made my final decision on Z's last name. I'd been battling with changing it to mine, keeping his father's...? Keeping his namesake attachment to his father. Something so important in Arabic culture (Z is half Palestinian). While filling out our paperwork for the mommy and me Waldorf program we're doing (LOVE it! btw); I found myself hyphenating his name and loving it. Riley-Mustafa. It honors me his hard working single mama, but also keeps his few attachments to his Palestinian heritage. Also looks better on the passport for security checks as he gets older!
Now hopefully his father will agree and make the change easy!...

3 days till beach vacation. I have not been on a real vacation since I was 6 months pregnant. I am so ready. Well not really I've got a ton to do so wish me luck on that.

Oh, dancing this weekend was great. The forces of nature, a la Hurricane Ike, brought my mom, brother, and sister in town. I hope to keep dancing once a month as my feet love the floor.

I may try and write from the beach, although it's my goal to be sans internet...we'll see how I do!

Peace mamas.

workin' mom

Raising a child is not a picnic... whether you do it alone or with a partner. Parenting is a challenge.. a rewarding one, but a challenge none the less... The specific challenge that has been on my mind alot these days is balancing career and child... How do I fit both into my life? How do I fit both without one being cheated? and without becoming totally exhausted? The bottom line is that I am afraid of the time I miss with Renna.

When I was growing up, I saw that my mother gave up everything for us kids. She quit school to marry my dad and move from Wisconson to the Dakotas, and then she became a stay at home mother until my younger brother was 3. At that time she began working at the preschool that all of her children had attended. Since then she has worked primarily as a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, she is good at it, and some days I know she loves it and finds it rewarding... but I also know that she has moments of wondering "what am I doing? where has my life gone? and what dreams have I accomplished?" I saw her struggle with this...I see her still today mourn her life choices in someways... because of that, I always said to myself "When I have children, I will not let my career and my passions be forgotten." I thought then, and still believe very strongly now, that I need to show my child how to live a full life. Part of that equation is career. Having a vocation, not just a job, and loving it... 

Which brings me to my challenge. My daughter is 7. I am an interdisciplinary theater artist. Which is the fancy way to say that I am an actress, director, and producer. I also as run an arts venue and theater education program. Through-out my pregnancy I continued to perform. By the time Renna was two weeks old, I was back in rehearsals. Through out her seven years I imagine my little one has often had the words of Arrested Development (the band not the tv show) running through her head... "Momma's always on stage"... and its true, and it tears me in a million directions. She is in school all day, but my work takes place at night... 

I love my work. I am passionately addicted to it. I thrive on being busy! I am invigorated by the creative process!  I, of course, love my girl. She is the blessing of my life. There is no meaning without her. And here is where the conflict arises... I looked at my daughter the other day and gasped... 7 years old? How did that happen so quickly? Where does the time go? I fear I am missing out on precious moments each time I walk out the door to a rehearsal. The other element is that I am juggling this all with minimal support from her father. He watches her one or two nights a week at most, usually just one. The other nights I am cashing in on babysitting trades so Renna spends a great deal of her evenings at other peoples houses. This alone racks me with guilt. The dilemma dances circles around my head and I always end up back where I started. 

It is a balancing act... I want to keep working. I want to be the best example of a powerful capable woman that I can be! I also want to make my time with her a priority. I want to continue  to pick her up from school and spend every afternoon with her... and each day I just have to keep at it. Keep trying... and keep giving that little one big hugs every chance I get, and keep showing her that she can be a success at whatever she endeavors... There is no easy answer. Or perfect solution. There is only balance. 

sometimes the road seems so long.....

yeah, i know.... where's the sunshine in that?!? but really, it's the truth... sometimes. 

and sometimes i wonder where all the time went. how did louie suddenly get so tall!! when did that back-talk start exactly? hmmm. i know i've been here the whole time, and then i remember, oh yeah, single mom-dom. i feel like i am pushing so hard, running all over the place to cover all the details, fearing ever dropping the ball, that i look up and he's changed so much in just a few days, and...... (gasp) i missed it. 

i guess it's normal. he's 7, a second grader, kids change so much at this age. recently i've been reaching back to my 7 year old, 2nd grader memories and i remember everything just pissing me right off. i felt like a big kid, in my book i was a big kid. that's were the back-talking started. i was so frustrated. so i'm trying to remember that. trying.....

ha!!!!!!

so my back up plan is enrolling him in martial arts, starting classes tomorrow....

Up and Up

Life is on the up these days. No fights with my ex, well no communication with the ex, but hey he's sending us money so no complaints there. I just get a little sad for Z sometimes when he starts doing his sign for daddy, or when we read the train book about daddy. Again, I am definitely more affected by this than he is, thank goodness.

I've found cleaning at night is the most productive. That way I maximize my time with Z during the day. It also feels like Christmas when I wake up to a clean house after a hard night's work. I rearranged the house for like the 3rd time this month and am extremely excited for my new meditation area overlooking our beautiful yard.

Also on the up: I'm fitting into my pre-pregnancy tight black pants again! My pre-preg jeans fit perfect and will soon hopefully be loose!! This is so exciting!!!

On a side confession note: I've been having this curiosity fantasy about the really nice African American blind guy that I always pass when jogging. We always stop to talk to him and his dog. I don't know what it is but I keep wondering what it would be like to sleep with him; not even in a sexual wondering way, more in a like connecting with this really nice human being who can't see way. This is certainly nothing I will act on, but hey who doesn't like a juicy confession :-)

I still think my neighbor is totally hot. I may act on this one day!

I'm dying to go dancing again soon. Hopefully I can get my mom to come into town again so I can have a night OUT on the town. Thank goodness I had too many party nights while living in NYC... I partied enough for 3 reincarnations. I thank Z for grounding me again and making me a better human being.