Shut In

Dear God I'm going crazy.  3.5 weeks of being cooped in a house due to 2 illnesses will do that.  And the last portion of these weeks have been spent cleaning up vomit.  Needless to say it's done a number on my nerves.  My house is a wreck.  My brain's a wreck.  Oh, and I've barely worked these few weeks.  Merry Christmas.

Thank God my mom's coming in town and we've agreed if I do her holiday shopping she will help clean my house - YEAH!  My house has gotten to the point of no return; I can't see past it's current state.

I need to go to a yoga class.  I just need time away from my son.  God it sounds horrible when I type that out, but really it's gotten to be too much for me these past few weeks.  I had him in the stroller the other day and felt so liberated to be able to look around and think for myself for once without worrying about him puking or crying or whatever.

Ya, it's a low point for me for sure.  And it's the holidays.  I want this to be a beautiful time for both of us.  Starting new traditions, etc.  But this big black sick cloud has shut all of that out.

Back to the future mamas.  I have a new Macbook.  It took me a little while to save up and of course got alot of help from the family.  My ex almost sabatoged the whole thing with money drama this month...but I got it!  

I also am proud to say that I got on food stamps this month.  Proud you may ask?  Yes, it was alot of work and I need some sort of relief.  Z and I were sick alot this month and I haven't worked in 3 weeks!  That plus his dad is becoming extremely unreliable when it comes to the money he's supposed to send me.  This month I got emergency food stamps.  They're still reviewing my case for it to continue and to grant me medicaid.  I haven't been to the doctor since after Z was born so this is huge for me.  Cross your fingers.

Back to the ex.  He calls me up to tell me that he's cutting my money in half unless I circumcise my son!  We've already agreed to disagree on this subject and not bring it up anymore so as not to give Z a penis complex as he gets older.  Everytime M goes back to the Middle East circumcision is back on the chopping block -sorry bad pun.  He can't even give me a good sound moral or ethical reason other than millions of other Muslims do it.  The "it's cleaner" argument does not fly with me as I have tons of medical evidence proving otherwise.

Yes, he cares so much about this heinous medical procedure, but does not call Z EVER anymore even when he knows how sick Z has been.

In other news we cut down our Christmas tree with RamaMama and her 2 kiddos.  Well, the nice farm boy cut the tree down for us.  It was so much fun and a great tradition to start for me and Z.  Pretty hilarious site us 2 single mamas on the tree farm (me in my high heel boots and Z in his red Chinese outfit).  Will post a pic soon.  Happy Holidays everyone!

ex-in-laws...

Oh sigh... the ex-in-laws were in town this past weekend... and I love them, they are great people. They bought Little Bird a pile of new winter cloths. They of course bought her toys and took her on adventures. They fixed my car window and brake light... I need their support when they give it and am very grateful! I think they are swell... but... its their son that makes me batty, he can be so juvenile. When my parents come into town they rarely see my ex. When his folks are in town I end up spending as much time with them as if they are my parents, and I don't mind spending time with them- don't get me wrong they are good people- but it pisses me off that he doesn't buck up and take charge when his family is here. He even acts like he is doing me a favor "getting them out of my hair" if he spends the day with them... and I am like WHAT! Thats your responsibility! Spend time with your family that traveled all this way to give their grand-baby, your daughter, some lovin!!! AGH!!! He acts like a child around them. The other night we all went to dinner and he was text messaging on his cell phone through the entire meal! When it comes down to it I understand why his mother reaches out to me when she visits... her own son acts like a teenage prig around her... ug... He did do better this visit, I will give him that, but still not great, and perhaps he never will do "great"... I mean really I am the one who remembers to send her birthday cards and thank you notes... I don't understand that, how can you forget your own mothers birthday? He still harbors so many resentments from his teenage years and childhood... Some things she deserves resentment for, but the other side of the equation is just his own instabilities and immaturity... sigh...

Floating

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been without a computer for months now trying to save up for a new one. I have a hard time saving money apparently. There I've admitted it. Now the next step is doing something about it! (side not I'm able to write you now bcs Z's father is in town with his pretty new Mac.).

Well this mama is finally getting to go out more or at least semi party these days. Halloween proved fruitful as we had a party right here in my backyard. Z slept the night through (FIRST time ever!) I flirted with some boys and even had a strange come on experience with my neighbor (which I've decided not to pursue for obvious reasons). Point is I'm ready boys! ha. Really it would be nice to soon find someone to be intimate with but NOTHING serious. There is someone I"m interested in California, but that's far away making it more complicated.

As I mentioned Z's dad is in town. Z at 2 years old is just now starting to say daddy on his own accord. His friends who have fathers present have certainly been saying it longer. So it seems the bond is finally really starting with Z and his dad. We'll see what happens this time when he leaves (in 2 days).

I guess I feel lost in this sea of parenting. I mean I'm totally on key with the normal parenting duties; we've got a great schedule etc. It's just this grey area of emotional damage that I worry about. And I know I always say it's better that he's not witness to a loveless relationship; that it happened sooner rather than later. I guess it's just grey for me bcs his dad is around so little. Ah, who knows maybe in the end it's more positive for him. Maybe he's a better dad when he's around a little bit.

All I know is I'm happy and loving life. My 28th birthday is around the corner. I feel like I've had a full 20's with no regret, and for that I"m thankful. Hope to see some of you at my party on Nov 22nd :=)

days went by...

I have much melancholy this morning. My daughter is getting too big, too fast... This year has been the big one for change. In kindergarten and first grade she still had those chubby cheeks, and was still tiny enough for me to scoop up and carry from the car as she slept on my shoulder... These days? Her face is thinning, she is looking so tall, and she is getting too heavy to carry. I am mourning the loss of my "baby" this morning. The conversations we have, the things she loves, the things that draw her in and fascinate her have changed so dramatically and so quickly... Everyone tells you when your child is a baby, a toddler, they all say "cherish it, it goes so fast" and you know they are right, you nod vigorously in agreement and you cherish each moment as much as you possibly can, but it still hits you in the gut when you realize the cuddle bug is gone... and this age too will pass, faster than I want it to... sigh... I have memories of her baby smell... and soft skin and hair... I remember holding her tiny body tucked in one arm... I remember the taste of her skin under my kisses before it had the flavor of playground grime and big kid dirt... I remember her tiny hand swallowed in my palm... I remember the concentration in making simple movements... I miss it... and I know that I will also miss this age. I will miss my seven year old. These days I hug her so often and so tightly, as if my squeeze will stop time, for at least a moment... sigh. 

angry love

i've been stuck in my little world for a while. working thru some issues with my lou. aggression. i must say that his karate classes have been great for him, and it's really exciting to see him so dedicated. i think i've been working thru some of my own issues as well. as for his dad, he had to go out of town, for six weeks, with out any warning,  because he forgot to tell us. needless to say lou did not handle it well. he was hurt, and angry. but he doesn't want to be angry at his dad because he gives him everything he wants. hmmmm. so i get the backlash. which in it's own was is a compliment. he's secure enough with me to just let it all hang out. 

so we had 6 weeks of angry love. ha. such passion.

also, at parent teacher meetings i found out that louie may have dyslexia. which makes alot of sense. he's brilliant but has such a hard time writing his words, and dumb himself down just to get thru the writing. writing on just one line is the end of the world to him. and when i tell him to correct a backwards letter, lawwd help us. he's been so frustrated. so, now i'm not focusing on the spelling, straightness, or "frontwardness". i want him to find his freedom in expressing his thoughts in writing. he has such great profound thoughts! we are going to start testing, apparently it's a long process, but i dont want him to suffer when we could start helping him. he's so frustrated, i'm afraid he'll just shut down, and with a boy like lou, that's just not an option. he's everything to me. 

one time he told me " mom, life is like driving a remote controlled car..... it doesn't always go where you think it will, and sometimes you crash, but you just pick it up, and put it back on the ground and try again. "

......and i love his angry love, i hope he holds his dedication to his passionate feelings his whole life. 

Princess Smartypants

Princess Smartypants is a fabulous book that my mother bought me when I was in high school. It is a children's book about a princess who is of marrying age, and her parents and the entire kingdom are pressuring her to get married. She doesn't want to, so she creates all of these crazy challenges for the princes to accomplish before they can win her hand. None of them succeed until Prince Swashbuckler comes along, and he accomplish every task, much to the chagrin of Ms Smartypants. Well, in the end, she kisses him and he turns into a frog and she sends him on his way. I love this book. I love it because it is a breathe of fresh air! In our culture little girls are inundated with tales of "Happily Ever After" and its always about romantic love. BARF! As a single adult I am so sick of the question "are you seeing anyone?" Like thats the most important news in my life? Well, I am not seeing anyone, and its not because I don't have my share of suitors, its because I have no need to be in a "couple". And you know what else- I am happy! I love my life. The assumption is that I cannot be complete if I am not "partnered." But my life is so full, in so many wonderful ways! My career, my health, my daughter, my friendships, my family. I am receiving love from many people in my life! Happiness is not defined by my relationship status. And yes, I would love HELP with the kiddo every now and then, but the older she gets the easier raising her solo gets, and on top of that, I have a huge network of support in my friends and family. I worry about my Little Bird falling into the trap of "you must have a boyfriend to have value in your life". I see many adults hop from relationship to relationship, not even knowing how to be alone! I do not want my daughter to become one of those women! The scary thing is that at seven years old she already has ideas about love and BOYS, and that is scary! She already has a crush on Zac Efron! She has already been busted kissing boys on the playground! The funny (and rather savvy) thing about my Little Bird is that to me she says "oh mom, I am too young for boys" but her little boyfriends mom tells me "Oh they are so cute, they have already named their children." AAAaaahhhh!!! I hear her playing with her friends in her room  the "boyfriend game." Its not just her either, I know that its all the kids, they are playing these courtship games on the playground. And although I hate it and it does freak me out- I also recognize that Renna has to learn that she is all the love she needs the hard way, like the rest of us... She will need to experience love and loss and crushes and all of that. And yes, "all of that" adds a beautiful flavor to a life- BUT I just wish our culture would stop putting so much emphasis on coupling! It belittles a woman's value, worth, and strength. This little blog rant of mine is reminding me of a Sex In The City episode, where Carrie writes about the "shoulds" that women have to juggle. Should have a baby. Should have a husband... and then you reach 30 and you don't have these things? Does that mean you failed at life? ... I want my daughter to read more books and see more movies that are NOT about finding love. I want her to learn and know that the value of her existence can be defined only be herself and can be made only by the strength of her own choices. She defines her own measures for success in this life. 

p.s. physical pleasure is a completely separate conversation and not one for the single mommy blog (wink wink)... my thoughts on that and my thoughts on the need for romantic love are not necessarily confined to the same conversation... but I did want to add this "p.s." because it is a very valid argument against my rant... the thing is- I am talking very specifically about the "hollywood one true love" ideals, the dusty ideas that a woman's goal in life is wedded bliss, and the fact that although modern women perceive themselves as being beyond those ideas and ideals- the fact is, I see my daughter being "taught" those lessons by way of our cultures undying expectations and definitions of femininity... oh I am not completely bitter- I recognize that progress is made, woman by woman, step by step, but alas the problems are not gone- I just hope my little one becomes a woman who takes a step in the right direction. I hope my little bird becomes a part of the change, the transformation, and the solution, as oppose to a part of the status quo... AND this doesn't mean that I think she shouldn't find love or get married if she chooses to someday, it just means that I hope she has a clear idea of her own value with or without "wedded bliss"

p.p.s. I also get very angry with people who think a single parent family is inadequate. Aren't we evolved enough at this point to accept that families come in all genders and sizes? One mom? One dad? A mom and a dad? Two dads? Two moms? Each type of family is of equal value!! There is no better and no worse! The only true NEED in defining a family is LOVE! Love love love. That is, as the Beatles sing, "all you need"