Insanity and Wisdom

Insanity... The last few days have been difficult for me. Little Birds father and I are in a child support battle... Let me give you some back story on the Dad here... he is insane and I am not speaking metaphorically or in anger. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago and has been off and on the meds since then. He is an alcoholic and has a tendency to beat up on the women in his life. What can I say, when I was 21 I picked a real WINNER. ha. Seriously I laugh at myself so hard tears come to my eyes when I think about how the Dad and I met. The first time I met him I apparently don't remember but he does (he was working at Whole Foods and I stopped in with Shaktimama). The first time I remember meeting him he came to my home to buy LSD or sell LSD (not sure which) to one  of my roommates. Did I mention I was 21? Just barely 21 too... I will never regret having Little Bird. She gives my life meaning, joy, and an endless and inimitable love! I do not regret having a child earlier in my adulthood. I am happy to be a young mother! I think being a young mother is amazing! I would not have it any other way. I do however regret the Dad. Through out all the years that I know him he has always been very volatile. Its in his chemical make-up, his DNA, and its really unavoidable. Sometimes we have long phases of stability and positive energy and in those moments I forget how crazy he really is and the BOOM it comes out full force. I am in the middle of a "full force" episode right now. In moments like these I just want as much distance as possible. In moments like these I hug my daughter tight and hold her closer longer. I also worry in these moments about her mood swings, her mental stability... if she does inherit this from her father it will most likely come out around puberty or even as late as her early 20s... But I still have faith and hope that my genes will dominate... Which brings me to wisdom... 

Yesterday morning I was upset because of a few emails the Dad had sent. Little Bird could tell that I was disturbed. So she said to me "mom remember last night when I was upset and you made me tell you why and then I felt better?" 

"yes I remember" 

"well if you talk about your feelings too you might feel better" 

"you want me to tell you why I am upset" 

"yes" 

"okay, your dad and I are not getting along right now"

 a pause 

Little Bird says "you know he is probably upset because he is very sensitive, just like I am, you know how sometimes the little things make me really mad and upset? well I bet that happens to dad too" 

a pause

I say "you are probably right"

In an instant, a seven year old, spoke the truth in a really simple way, but the simplicity resonates with a larger and deeper truth about our little "family" and the things that are shared... Her comment both scares me and relieves me. On one hand, yes, her reactionary side is very much like her fathers. On the other hand, for her to see that, to see the truth of this adult mans reactions holds such wisdom that I have faith. I have faith that she will grow up with enough of my strength, intelligence, and stability to even out any of the tornado that may be brewing deep inside thanks to her fathers DNA...

Hmmm.... insanity and wisdom... Long story short, I need to be wise inside the tornado of insanity that is currently spinning around me. I am not sure what path to take at this moment. I feel frozen and frightened and just want to run away from it all... but in time, in time the decisions will come, the storm will calm, the dust will settle... For the time being, I need to hold on tight, take a deep breathe and trust. Wish me luck.