Where's the time?

So suddenly now that I"m working more (personal assistant) I'm wondering where all that glorious free time went? Z's started school but he's clingy as a madman and refuses to sleep in his own bed - I chalk this up to separation issues with school. I know it will get better, but those few hours I would have to myself at night are getting less and less.

I also just paid for my Match.com membership so I can start meeting some dudes. I've had the profile up there and just have been too broke to afford it. So I had some extra $$ thanks to Uncle Sam and said, hey I'm NOT meeting anyone, absolutely anyone this way (hanging with Z and working all the time) so at least I can get some flirtation online or in real life now...we'll see. I'm emailing with one interesting dude lots of travelling in common.

Speaking of travelling I'm dying to get out of the country. I wish flights were cheap somewhere out of the USA - like India, Bali, etc. Cause now I have to pay for 2 plane tickets. All I want to do is get lost in another culture. I guess I'll just have to go to some small Texas town and soak in the locals there. I could go to Mexico, but all those stories about kidnapping has me convinced someone's going to kidnap Z. RamaMama invited me at one point for a fun Mexico trip and then kind of dis-invited me. Yeah. I'm outing you on the blog... I was a little pissed. Hope you have fun though.

Anyways, so that's my next goal how do I get out of the country for cheap - anyone? anyone???

Insanity and Wisdom

Insanity... The last few days have been difficult for me. Little Birds father and I are in a child support battle... Let me give you some back story on the Dad here... he is insane and I am not speaking metaphorically or in anger. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago and has been off and on the meds since then. He is an alcoholic and has a tendency to beat up on the women in his life. What can I say, when I was 21 I picked a real WINNER. ha. Seriously I laugh at myself so hard tears come to my eyes when I think about how the Dad and I met. The first time I met him I apparently don't remember but he does (he was working at Whole Foods and I stopped in with Shaktimama). The first time I remember meeting him he came to my home to buy LSD or sell LSD (not sure which) to one  of my roommates. Did I mention I was 21? Just barely 21 too... I will never regret having Little Bird. She gives my life meaning, joy, and an endless and inimitable love! I do not regret having a child earlier in my adulthood. I am happy to be a young mother! I think being a young mother is amazing! I would not have it any other way. I do however regret the Dad. Through out all the years that I know him he has always been very volatile. Its in his chemical make-up, his DNA, and its really unavoidable. Sometimes we have long phases of stability and positive energy and in those moments I forget how crazy he really is and the BOOM it comes out full force. I am in the middle of a "full force" episode right now. In moments like these I just want as much distance as possible. In moments like these I hug my daughter tight and hold her closer longer. I also worry in these moments about her mood swings, her mental stability... if she does inherit this from her father it will most likely come out around puberty or even as late as her early 20s... But I still have faith and hope that my genes will dominate... Which brings me to wisdom... 

Yesterday morning I was upset because of a few emails the Dad had sent. Little Bird could tell that I was disturbed. So she said to me "mom remember last night when I was upset and you made me tell you why and then I felt better?" 

"yes I remember" 

"well if you talk about your feelings too you might feel better" 

"you want me to tell you why I am upset" 

"yes" 

"okay, your dad and I are not getting along right now"

 a pause 

Little Bird says "you know he is probably upset because he is very sensitive, just like I am, you know how sometimes the little things make me really mad and upset? well I bet that happens to dad too" 

a pause

I say "you are probably right"

In an instant, a seven year old, spoke the truth in a really simple way, but the simplicity resonates with a larger and deeper truth about our little "family" and the things that are shared... Her comment both scares me and relieves me. On one hand, yes, her reactionary side is very much like her fathers. On the other hand, for her to see that, to see the truth of this adult mans reactions holds such wisdom that I have faith. I have faith that she will grow up with enough of my strength, intelligence, and stability to even out any of the tornado that may be brewing deep inside thanks to her fathers DNA...

Hmmm.... insanity and wisdom... Long story short, I need to be wise inside the tornado of insanity that is currently spinning around me. I am not sure what path to take at this moment. I feel frozen and frightened and just want to run away from it all... but in time, in time the decisions will come, the storm will calm, the dust will settle... For the time being, I need to hold on tight, take a deep breathe and trust. Wish me luck.

Shout Out

Shout out to all my single mama b*tches.

So lots happening these days. First of all I've almost achieved full time work status with my multitude of jobs which now include teaching yoga and now personal assisting. Woo hoo. Z still is not in daycare, but now with all this work I'm going to try and put him in 2 days a week so I can get more done and work more.

Second I went on my first post-divorce date. Though dear god who knows if it can count as a date, lol. So the guy was jocking me all week texting and calling me multitudes every single day. We had a definite plan for the evening that involved this awards ceremony followed by some SXSW parties. I looked totally hot ready for some kind of make out action. Well @broylesa tells me that he mentioned he had to go back to work after the ceremony. Mind you he's a pedi cab driver so he sets his hours and told me he was taking the night off for fun. So he finally tells me himself and I was like what seriously? Now I have to go to this other party by myself? So I sneak to the bathroom for 15 minutes where I"m texting twiterring like a madwoman trying to hook up with some friends downtown bcs I HAD A SITTER THE ENTIRE NIGHT! I never have that!

THEN I finally come out to sit in the ceremony with him and he actually tries to hold my hand! And so I pulled it away and was like "what? what do you want?" Ya then after that I talked to some other dudes who were hitting on me and he left to go to work. GREAT DATE! Afterwards I went to the Facebook friends.get party and danced at least. Still. LAME-O!

Three Little Birds

Do you remember the Bob Marley song Three Little Birds? In high school it was my favorite. My friends Aline, Sarina, and I would sing that song over and over, calling ourselves the Three Little Birds. I was so free in those days... sigh... I really just lived each day for what it was and hardly worried! Don't get me wrong, I would never want to re-do high school, puke... but... things are feeling rather intense lately. Especially in terms of finances. Things are precarious for everyone right now of course. I am nervous daily about the future of my company. Arts organizations are the first to suffer when the economy is down and over the last week money seems to be just pouring out of my accounts... Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and excited because I received my tax return and it was enough to help me pay for a list of important things I have been putting on hold as well as put some away in savings... but as soon as the money hit my account it was spent. My theater hosted a playwright last weekend and I threw down a chunk of change to get her out of town (bad weather canceled her original flight) then my daughter became ill and I needed to spend on the doctors visit as well as medicine. The brakes on my car are squeaking and I need to take it in today to get looked at. Little Bird and I both have dentist appointments tomorrow. I really really need a yearly doctors check-up but honestly Little Birds expenses always come first so I keep putting it off... One thing after another not to mention the usual expenses, groceries, gas, rent, bills, student loans, credit debt... I feel depleted and anxious... BUT last night I had a moment after washing my face of catching my reflection in the mirror, and seeing a new wrinkle and noticing my greying roots starting to show and I took a very deep breathe. Breathe in... the more I allow these money matters to stress me out... breathe out...  the more I allow the stress to rule me... breathe in... the more time I waste! I must stop wasting my time and energy on negative thought and stress!!! I have to remind myself everyday that I must enjoy where I am in life at this exact moment. Before I even know it I will blink and be old and grey and slow.... I must enjoy my youth, my energy, this gorgeous spring day! I must remind myself daily that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent! This reminder of impermanence is always a good one for getting me to relax my strangle hold on life and just breathe! In times like these I always go back to my "worst case scenario" list and every time I go through that list in my head I realize that the "worst case" will still provide me with a wonderful and rewarding life. So what if I get rid of my car, its better for the environment anyway. So what if I have to move to a cheaper home, a new neighborhood could be fun. So what if I go back to nannying, I love the pace of the job, the time spent outside, and the cute little rugrats with sloppy hugs and kisses. So what if I move back home with my parents (definite worst case here), I am very close to my family, we get along, and  I miss the mountains everyday... Calm down Jenny. Remember in your adulthood the freedom and ease of your youth... And as Mr Marley would sing... "Baby don't worry, do do do doooo do do do, 'bout a thing, do do do dooo do do do, every little thing is gonna be alright!" You are right Bob. Every little thing will be just fine. 

grape kool-aid

life is short. i've been trying to remind myself of that these days. if i dont get the dishes done or the house picked up, it's not going anywhere, why worry right? i think i tend to get all wrapped up in what i think, or have learned, what everything should look like, what i should be doing, instead of letting the lovely little moments of life just come to me. 

today i was rushing around running errands for work and doing that little annoying thing i do with listing out everything i need to do on a time table in my head so i get to where ever i need to be at 3:42 and what time i need to start dinner so i can have the house clean by 6:25 when a breeze full of mountain laurel came drifting in my car window. and i remembered how much i love that smell, it's so much like grape kool-aid, and it just brings me back to being 9 tearing around town on my bike and playing in the creek in the woods by my old house. and i thought, god!! i'm so anal!!!! hahahaha! really? 3:42? 6:25? wow!

so i vow, to be late when i can (obviously i'm too anal to just be late, but i may PLAN to be late, just so i can get used to it a little bit) and to take the time to smell the kool-aid of life.

First of the month Queen of returns

I have that Warren G song in my head from high school "It's the first of the month so get up get up get up get up"

The first of the month usually brings a bit of money fear on my end. Babby's daddy is consistently 3 days late and $200 short every month. Food stamps don't go on till the 5th. And I still need to pay my phone bill from last month. I"m trying to save for more yoga trainings this summer which will make me more money in the fall...I've just got to catch up somehow!

So now since the cupboard's pretty bare I find myself returning some expensive Bumble and Bumble shampoo/conditioner I bought at Central Market over a year ago. I've poured some other shampoo into the bottle to make it feel a little fuller. That should get me $30 in groceries.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have some things I can return to Whole Foods too. I'm the queen of returns.

Geneology

So my yoga teacher always said for us women to draw strength on our ancestors. I love learning about my family history and recently due to some web searching have uncovered new ancestors and got my Aunt Susan talking more about our family history.

I learned the my great great grandmother Anne McWilliams (from Ireland) was a single mother (widowed) to 5 children. She opened a boarding house in Sherbrooke, Quebec and was able to make ends meet like that. Her husband James McWilliams died 2 days after Patrick, my great grandfather, was born.

I loved learning this info and knowing that I too in some way came from another single mother. That we've existed throughout time and fight against all odds to give our children a beautiful life. Yeah to the power of single moms!