Thought I'd finally add a photo to this blog. My fave from our train ride for Z's 2nd b'day.

New Album 1/22/09 9:16 PM

Wow JLar - I loved your New Years blog. Very buddhist inspired. #2 is particularly great. I need to not sucomb to my desires either - or at least make my desires more frugal. I've been doing better about shopping - vintage stores are my oasis. And flossing - AMEN!

Yes so my goals:

1. Stick to my running schedule. Well make the exact schedule, write it in my calendar as I would a class I teach. This will prove to be successfull.

2. Live within my means.

3. Be nicer to my mom. She and I have this... sometimes difficult relationship. But, she is my mom and I need to respect her more.

4. Make more me time.

5. Don't compromise precious Z time to add another class! I can live without the extra $120/month if it means seeing Z light up as we frolick in the mud and throw rocks in the pond.

That's all for now, I'll add more though.

 A new year, a new beginning. Shannon and I have a mentor who always says about acting that "every breathe is a new beginning" on stage you can lose yourself in a mistake or allow your mind to wander and you simply have to breathe and begin again to get it back together. I love this saying and find it useful over and over again in my life, on and off the stage! With a new year is a new breathe! I have three simple resolutions this year...

1. Walk in peace. 

I can allow myself to get swallowed in stress and anxiety. Money woes and work problems. Relationship issues and fights with my little bird... this year I am asking myself to remember to breathe and smile in moments of worry. I am reminding myself to find joy in the chaos, because the chaos is part of what makes living so much fun!

2. Move forward with dignity and self respect.

I often find myself at the mercy of my desires. Whether that means buying new cloths, eating junk food, or nurturing a disfunctional relationship. This year I am going to stop and ask myself before I act -with this choice am I respecting myself, my heart, my body, my mind? 

3. floss.

Its silly I know, and its SO IMPORTANT! But I am sooo lazy, especially when I brush at night... I always make Renna floss... now I must MAKE MYSELF! In all fairness I floss in the morning, but I know I need to floss every night too... :) 

May each of you travel in peace, dignity, and peppermint flavored waxed string in 2009 as well!

Shut In

Dear God I'm going crazy.  3.5 weeks of being cooped in a house due to 2 illnesses will do that.  And the last portion of these weeks have been spent cleaning up vomit.  Needless to say it's done a number on my nerves.  My house is a wreck.  My brain's a wreck.  Oh, and I've barely worked these few weeks.  Merry Christmas.

Thank God my mom's coming in town and we've agreed if I do her holiday shopping she will help clean my house - YEAH!  My house has gotten to the point of no return; I can't see past it's current state.

I need to go to a yoga class.  I just need time away from my son.  God it sounds horrible when I type that out, but really it's gotten to be too much for me these past few weeks.  I had him in the stroller the other day and felt so liberated to be able to look around and think for myself for once without worrying about him puking or crying or whatever.

Ya, it's a low point for me for sure.  And it's the holidays.  I want this to be a beautiful time for both of us.  Starting new traditions, etc.  But this big black sick cloud has shut all of that out.

Back to the future mamas.  I have a new Macbook.  It took me a little while to save up and of course got alot of help from the family.  My ex almost sabatoged the whole thing with money drama this month...but I got it!  

I also am proud to say that I got on food stamps this month.  Proud you may ask?  Yes, it was alot of work and I need some sort of relief.  Z and I were sick alot this month and I haven't worked in 3 weeks!  That plus his dad is becoming extremely unreliable when it comes to the money he's supposed to send me.  This month I got emergency food stamps.  They're still reviewing my case for it to continue and to grant me medicaid.  I haven't been to the doctor since after Z was born so this is huge for me.  Cross your fingers.

Back to the ex.  He calls me up to tell me that he's cutting my money in half unless I circumcise my son!  We've already agreed to disagree on this subject and not bring it up anymore so as not to give Z a penis complex as he gets older.  Everytime M goes back to the Middle East circumcision is back on the chopping block -sorry bad pun.  He can't even give me a good sound moral or ethical reason other than millions of other Muslims do it.  The "it's cleaner" argument does not fly with me as I have tons of medical evidence proving otherwise.

Yes, he cares so much about this heinous medical procedure, but does not call Z EVER anymore even when he knows how sick Z has been.

In other news we cut down our Christmas tree with RamaMama and her 2 kiddos.  Well, the nice farm boy cut the tree down for us.  It was so much fun and a great tradition to start for me and Z.  Pretty hilarious site us 2 single mamas on the tree farm (me in my high heel boots and Z in his red Chinese outfit).  Will post a pic soon.  Happy Holidays everyone!

ex-in-laws...

Oh sigh... the ex-in-laws were in town this past weekend... and I love them, they are great people. They bought Little Bird a pile of new winter cloths. They of course bought her toys and took her on adventures. They fixed my car window and brake light... I need their support when they give it and am very grateful! I think they are swell... but... its their son that makes me batty, he can be so juvenile. When my parents come into town they rarely see my ex. When his folks are in town I end up spending as much time with them as if they are my parents, and I don't mind spending time with them- don't get me wrong they are good people- but it pisses me off that he doesn't buck up and take charge when his family is here. He even acts like he is doing me a favor "getting them out of my hair" if he spends the day with them... and I am like WHAT! Thats your responsibility! Spend time with your family that traveled all this way to give their grand-baby, your daughter, some lovin!!! AGH!!! He acts like a child around them. The other night we all went to dinner and he was text messaging on his cell phone through the entire meal! When it comes down to it I understand why his mother reaches out to me when she visits... her own son acts like a teenage prig around her... ug... He did do better this visit, I will give him that, but still not great, and perhaps he never will do "great"... I mean really I am the one who remembers to send her birthday cards and thank you notes... I don't understand that, how can you forget your own mothers birthday? He still harbors so many resentments from his teenage years and childhood... Some things she deserves resentment for, but the other side of the equation is just his own instabilities and immaturity... sigh...

Floating

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been without a computer for months now trying to save up for a new one. I have a hard time saving money apparently. There I've admitted it. Now the next step is doing something about it! (side not I'm able to write you now bcs Z's father is in town with his pretty new Mac.).

Well this mama is finally getting to go out more or at least semi party these days. Halloween proved fruitful as we had a party right here in my backyard. Z slept the night through (FIRST time ever!) I flirted with some boys and even had a strange come on experience with my neighbor (which I've decided not to pursue for obvious reasons). Point is I'm ready boys! ha. Really it would be nice to soon find someone to be intimate with but NOTHING serious. There is someone I"m interested in California, but that's far away making it more complicated.

As I mentioned Z's dad is in town. Z at 2 years old is just now starting to say daddy on his own accord. His friends who have fathers present have certainly been saying it longer. So it seems the bond is finally really starting with Z and his dad. We'll see what happens this time when he leaves (in 2 days).

I guess I feel lost in this sea of parenting. I mean I'm totally on key with the normal parenting duties; we've got a great schedule etc. It's just this grey area of emotional damage that I worry about. And I know I always say it's better that he's not witness to a loveless relationship; that it happened sooner rather than later. I guess it's just grey for me bcs his dad is around so little. Ah, who knows maybe in the end it's more positive for him. Maybe he's a better dad when he's around a little bit.

All I know is I'm happy and loving life. My 28th birthday is around the corner. I feel like I've had a full 20's with no regret, and for that I"m thankful. Hope to see some of you at my party on Nov 22nd :=)