This Town, Goodbye Town

We went to Mexico. Ahhh. I sat on the beach alot. Drank mojitos alot. And realized that it was time to make the long talked about move to Florida. Austin's just not my place anymore. It served itself beautifully the first few years of Z's life. I'm off to be closer to family and Inshallah go to grad school...hurray!

It's true when you don't feel at home somewhere... Plus I have insane allergies here. I still hope to eventually end up on a houseboat in Kashmir teaching to the local village children, or somewhere far off breathing in the air. After grad school. Hurrah! Inshallah.

So I have 11 days till I drive off into the sunset waving goodbye to a good 3 year stint in Austin. I can't wait for the beach. The sunsets. The water on my feet. The sand. The seagulls and pelicans. The cute surfer dudes too. Palm trees. Family.

I don't wanna be nice!

Oh man. Its really hard to be nice sometimes... Especially when dealing with the Ex. My Little Bird returned home after being away for two months. I have had two communications with her dad since she has been back and BOTH times he was rude. UG! You would think two months of not speaking to each other would help him calm down but no... another reminder that he is and always will be an angry person. I was proud of myself though because both times he tried to start a fight I said "you are trying to fight and I will not go there" and then I redirected the conversation to the schedule etc etc and that was that.. but man oh man, we have been separated for five years now and we still have so much tension between us. I have friends who are more recently separated and I wish I could tell them it gets easier but it doesn't, the problems just change, but there are still problems.

Deep breathe. Grant me patience. Deep breathe. Help me learn from my past mistakes with this man, help me avoid the sore spots. Deep breathe. Help me forgive and release my anger. I need to let my anger go... but thats hard to do... especially when you really really don't want to be nice!

Dear Little Bird,

Yesterday I was a mom who missed her Little Bird.

Today I am a mom who misses her Little Bird.

Tomorrow I will still be a mom missing my Little Bird.

Little Bird I am so happy for you! I hope you are having fun on your annual summer stay with grandma and grandpa. You are so lucky that your trip includes travel, complimentary breakfast, clean mountain air, cable, and infinite amounts of love. Little Bird you are blessed to have those visits with grandma and grandpa in South Dakota every summer.

But Little Bird, this summer is the longest time you will have been away from me (eight entire weeks). Little Bird, it is also, so far, the first time you have not cried for me... there are still four weeks of vacation left, so you could still call me all teary... but to date- you are dry eyed! You are so happy and secure in your self. You are becoming a confidant and independent young girl. I am proud of you and happy for you. I am so glad that you have this time with family. I am so glad you have this time in the mountains. I am so... so... so darn sorry for myself... ha!

Oh poor old forgotten mom! Home in Texas. Working all the time and really really hot all the time and really really tired of being hot all the time AND has mommy ranted about how bored she is? Well. She is... without Little Bird around mommy doesn't know how to fill her days! Well actually my days become quite full, too full, but full of WORK and little play! and she is jealous of that cable and those home cooked meals and that clean mountain air! and really most of all mommy just misses you...

I miss you and wish I was to hugging you and kissing you goodnight every night... which is why I call you... everyday. I call you every day and make you talk to me even when you would rather watch TV, or roast a marsh-mellow, or ride your bike around the block... because I wish I was hugging you RIGHT NOW and burying my nose in your hair and taking in the scents of hard play and imagination and Jason's Tea Tree Oil Shampoo because of that- I kiss the phone and say "I love you, I will call you tomorrow."

So, this is a letter from mom.

From mom who misses Little Bird.

From mom who can't wait to give Little Bird big kisses in just 4 short weeks.

xoxo

Mom

Follow The Beat

So it's almost Only 2 Hands' one year birthday ladies and gents. That's pretty exciting. Also impressive that us busy single mamas took the time to write - bravo. Who knows...maybe for our birthday we'll add a male writer to the mix?

It's been a while since I posted. Twitter's been making it easier for me to do this, apologies. I"m back.

Lots to tell, but I"ll start with most recent and leave it at that.
Works going great, I have lots more both teaching yoga and with my assistant job.
Looks like I'll be able to afford staying here longer - yeah!! I love our country oasis in the middle of the city. I'm getting a new car too (well used of course)... a diesel VW Jetta - soon I can use vegetable oil!

Today was Father's Day so we Skyped Z's dad (who hasn't contacted us in a month). Z told his dad "Happy Father's Day" and M replied, "He sounds like and American."

Well of course, he's being raised only by his American mother. I really want Z to learn Arabic, but his dad's across the Atlantic and I don't speak it very well. I've actually started considering putting him in Hebrew classes. My in-laws would freak, but the languages are so similar and use the same parts of the brain that I think it'd be easier for him to learn Arabic in adulthood. (FYI There are no Arabic classes for Z's age in Austin...I can get a scholarship for him to learn Hebrew at age 2).

I've been swimming every single day welcoming the summer weather. We went to Krause Springs yesterday and Deep Eddy today. Two days of 68º spring plunges does a body good.

Click below to win a Madsen bicycle!

uh oh...

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I think I can call the first "scarring" thing I have ever done to my daughter... I took her to performance art. Now wait! That may sound like a joke, but I can assure you it is not... 

OK so once a year, this fabulous creative arts festival called FUSEBOX hits Austin. Every year there are exciting artists from around the country and world who bring their smarts to Texas. I always see a few things each year and thoroughly enjoy it! Well... this year... I decided to take Little Bird to a few things with me... all I can say is "uh oh"...

The first event that Renna and I see together is a dance piece at the Long Center. There is no rating info on the FUSEBOX website and I make my reservation over the phone with the Long Center. The shows description seems heady but relatively safe. I also think "ok well its dance, how bad can dance be?" Just wait... 

When we arrive at the theater we get our tickets at the box office, no one says a thing about appropriateness even though my daughter is obviously with me. We walk in and the ushers also do not say a word. Once we enter the theater Little Bird decides that she would like to sit in the front row for the best possible view. So we sit down front row and center.  The house lights lower, the stage lights come up, and BAM! Naked man.... 

The show, from an adult artist perspective, was wonderful. I really loved it. From a parent perspective OMG OMG OMG my daughter is RUINED! So the show starts and immediately the dancer is naked, for the first 5 minutes of the show. In the middle of the first act (after he has dressed) he pulls his underwear off his bottom and holds himself in a crab pose over a flaming candle. Then at the end of the second act we get 5 more minutes of total frontal male nudity... I would like to point out that none of the nudity was perverse or gratuitous.  The second act was fine and 100% kid friendly if not for the F word once or twice.

How did I handle it? As soon as he entered we saw the dancers bottom and I covered Little Birds eyes. 

OMG! My heart was racing, I was sweating! What do I do? leave? stay? CRAP!!! 

Her eyes were closed behind my hands and I leaned into her and I said "he is naked, he is not doing anything weird or creepy its just a naked body. If you want to watch you can, if not I will cover your eyes until he gets cloths on." She kept her eyes covered. That is pretty much how we handled the whole first act. Something inappropriate would start and I would cover eyes... She LOVED the second act. Pretty ladies dancing in sparkling dresses totally made up for the uncomfortableness of the naked man.

Leaving the theater she said she loved it. The next day she was still talking about the ladies dancing and some of the cool video in the first act. She even insisted we go to another FUSEBOX show that night as well! She still sometimes mentions things from that show in a positive way... so yes, in the moment I was terrified and mortified but in the end I think my daughter had a pretty great artistic experience... I wonder when she is an adult if she will remember that performance as her first time seeing a man naked. Ha!

sigh... oh life... oh parenting... uh-oh...

Where's the time?

So suddenly now that I"m working more (personal assistant) I'm wondering where all that glorious free time went? Z's started school but he's clingy as a madman and refuses to sleep in his own bed - I chalk this up to separation issues with school. I know it will get better, but those few hours I would have to myself at night are getting less and less.

I also just paid for my Match.com membership so I can start meeting some dudes. I've had the profile up there and just have been too broke to afford it. So I had some extra $$ thanks to Uncle Sam and said, hey I'm NOT meeting anyone, absolutely anyone this way (hanging with Z and working all the time) so at least I can get some flirtation online or in real life now...we'll see. I'm emailing with one interesting dude lots of travelling in common.

Speaking of travelling I'm dying to get out of the country. I wish flights were cheap somewhere out of the USA - like India, Bali, etc. Cause now I have to pay for 2 plane tickets. All I want to do is get lost in another culture. I guess I'll just have to go to some small Texas town and soak in the locals there. I could go to Mexico, but all those stories about kidnapping has me convinced someone's going to kidnap Z. RamaMama invited me at one point for a fun Mexico trip and then kind of dis-invited me. Yeah. I'm outing you on the blog... I was a little pissed. Hope you have fun though.

Anyways, so that's my next goal how do I get out of the country for cheap - anyone? anyone???

Insanity and Wisdom

Insanity... The last few days have been difficult for me. Little Birds father and I are in a child support battle... Let me give you some back story on the Dad here... he is insane and I am not speaking metaphorically or in anger. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago and has been off and on the meds since then. He is an alcoholic and has a tendency to beat up on the women in his life. What can I say, when I was 21 I picked a real WINNER. ha. Seriously I laugh at myself so hard tears come to my eyes when I think about how the Dad and I met. The first time I met him I apparently don't remember but he does (he was working at Whole Foods and I stopped in with Shaktimama). The first time I remember meeting him he came to my home to buy LSD or sell LSD (not sure which) to one  of my roommates. Did I mention I was 21? Just barely 21 too... I will never regret having Little Bird. She gives my life meaning, joy, and an endless and inimitable love! I do not regret having a child earlier in my adulthood. I am happy to be a young mother! I think being a young mother is amazing! I would not have it any other way. I do however regret the Dad. Through out all the years that I know him he has always been very volatile. Its in his chemical make-up, his DNA, and its really unavoidable. Sometimes we have long phases of stability and positive energy and in those moments I forget how crazy he really is and the BOOM it comes out full force. I am in the middle of a "full force" episode right now. In moments like these I just want as much distance as possible. In moments like these I hug my daughter tight and hold her closer longer. I also worry in these moments about her mood swings, her mental stability... if she does inherit this from her father it will most likely come out around puberty or even as late as her early 20s... But I still have faith and hope that my genes will dominate... Which brings me to wisdom... 

Yesterday morning I was upset because of a few emails the Dad had sent. Little Bird could tell that I was disturbed. So she said to me "mom remember last night when I was upset and you made me tell you why and then I felt better?" 

"yes I remember" 

"well if you talk about your feelings too you might feel better" 

"you want me to tell you why I am upset" 

"yes" 

"okay, your dad and I are not getting along right now"

 a pause 

Little Bird says "you know he is probably upset because he is very sensitive, just like I am, you know how sometimes the little things make me really mad and upset? well I bet that happens to dad too" 

a pause

I say "you are probably right"

In an instant, a seven year old, spoke the truth in a really simple way, but the simplicity resonates with a larger and deeper truth about our little "family" and the things that are shared... Her comment both scares me and relieves me. On one hand, yes, her reactionary side is very much like her fathers. On the other hand, for her to see that, to see the truth of this adult mans reactions holds such wisdom that I have faith. I have faith that she will grow up with enough of my strength, intelligence, and stability to even out any of the tornado that may be brewing deep inside thanks to her fathers DNA...

Hmmm.... insanity and wisdom... Long story short, I need to be wise inside the tornado of insanity that is currently spinning around me. I am not sure what path to take at this moment. I feel frozen and frightened and just want to run away from it all... but in time, in time the decisions will come, the storm will calm, the dust will settle... For the time being, I need to hold on tight, take a deep breathe and trust. Wish me luck.

Shout Out

Shout out to all my single mama b*tches.

So lots happening these days. First of all I've almost achieved full time work status with my multitude of jobs which now include teaching yoga and now personal assisting. Woo hoo. Z still is not in daycare, but now with all this work I'm going to try and put him in 2 days a week so I can get more done and work more.

Second I went on my first post-divorce date. Though dear god who knows if it can count as a date, lol. So the guy was jocking me all week texting and calling me multitudes every single day. We had a definite plan for the evening that involved this awards ceremony followed by some SXSW parties. I looked totally hot ready for some kind of make out action. Well @broylesa tells me that he mentioned he had to go back to work after the ceremony. Mind you he's a pedi cab driver so he sets his hours and told me he was taking the night off for fun. So he finally tells me himself and I was like what seriously? Now I have to go to this other party by myself? So I sneak to the bathroom for 15 minutes where I"m texting twiterring like a madwoman trying to hook up with some friends downtown bcs I HAD A SITTER THE ENTIRE NIGHT! I never have that!

THEN I finally come out to sit in the ceremony with him and he actually tries to hold my hand! And so I pulled it away and was like "what? what do you want?" Ya then after that I talked to some other dudes who were hitting on me and he left to go to work. GREAT DATE! Afterwards I went to the Facebook friends.get party and danced at least. Still. LAME-O!

Three Little Birds

Do you remember the Bob Marley song Three Little Birds? In high school it was my favorite. My friends Aline, Sarina, and I would sing that song over and over, calling ourselves the Three Little Birds. I was so free in those days... sigh... I really just lived each day for what it was and hardly worried! Don't get me wrong, I would never want to re-do high school, puke... but... things are feeling rather intense lately. Especially in terms of finances. Things are precarious for everyone right now of course. I am nervous daily about the future of my company. Arts organizations are the first to suffer when the economy is down and over the last week money seems to be just pouring out of my accounts... Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and excited because I received my tax return and it was enough to help me pay for a list of important things I have been putting on hold as well as put some away in savings... but as soon as the money hit my account it was spent. My theater hosted a playwright last weekend and I threw down a chunk of change to get her out of town (bad weather canceled her original flight) then my daughter became ill and I needed to spend on the doctors visit as well as medicine. The brakes on my car are squeaking and I need to take it in today to get looked at. Little Bird and I both have dentist appointments tomorrow. I really really need a yearly doctors check-up but honestly Little Birds expenses always come first so I keep putting it off... One thing after another not to mention the usual expenses, groceries, gas, rent, bills, student loans, credit debt... I feel depleted and anxious... BUT last night I had a moment after washing my face of catching my reflection in the mirror, and seeing a new wrinkle and noticing my greying roots starting to show and I took a very deep breathe. Breathe in... the more I allow these money matters to stress me out... breathe out...  the more I allow the stress to rule me... breathe in... the more time I waste! I must stop wasting my time and energy on negative thought and stress!!! I have to remind myself everyday that I must enjoy where I am in life at this exact moment. Before I even know it I will blink and be old and grey and slow.... I must enjoy my youth, my energy, this gorgeous spring day! I must remind myself daily that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent! This reminder of impermanence is always a good one for getting me to relax my strangle hold on life and just breathe! In times like these I always go back to my "worst case scenario" list and every time I go through that list in my head I realize that the "worst case" will still provide me with a wonderful and rewarding life. So what if I get rid of my car, its better for the environment anyway. So what if I have to move to a cheaper home, a new neighborhood could be fun. So what if I go back to nannying, I love the pace of the job, the time spent outside, and the cute little rugrats with sloppy hugs and kisses. So what if I move back home with my parents (definite worst case here), I am very close to my family, we get along, and  I miss the mountains everyday... Calm down Jenny. Remember in your adulthood the freedom and ease of your youth... And as Mr Marley would sing... "Baby don't worry, do do do doooo do do do, 'bout a thing, do do do dooo do do do, every little thing is gonna be alright!" You are right Bob. Every little thing will be just fine. 

grape kool-aid

life is short. i've been trying to remind myself of that these days. if i dont get the dishes done or the house picked up, it's not going anywhere, why worry right? i think i tend to get all wrapped up in what i think, or have learned, what everything should look like, what i should be doing, instead of letting the lovely little moments of life just come to me. 

today i was rushing around running errands for work and doing that little annoying thing i do with listing out everything i need to do on a time table in my head so i get to where ever i need to be at 3:42 and what time i need to start dinner so i can have the house clean by 6:25 when a breeze full of mountain laurel came drifting in my car window. and i remembered how much i love that smell, it's so much like grape kool-aid, and it just brings me back to being 9 tearing around town on my bike and playing in the creek in the woods by my old house. and i thought, god!! i'm so anal!!!! hahahaha! really? 3:42? 6:25? wow!

so i vow, to be late when i can (obviously i'm too anal to just be late, but i may PLAN to be late, just so i can get used to it a little bit) and to take the time to smell the kool-aid of life.

First of the month Queen of returns

I have that Warren G song in my head from high school "It's the first of the month so get up get up get up get up"

The first of the month usually brings a bit of money fear on my end. Babby's daddy is consistently 3 days late and $200 short every month. Food stamps don't go on till the 5th. And I still need to pay my phone bill from last month. I"m trying to save for more yoga trainings this summer which will make me more money in the fall...I've just got to catch up somehow!

So now since the cupboard's pretty bare I find myself returning some expensive Bumble and Bumble shampoo/conditioner I bought at Central Market over a year ago. I've poured some other shampoo into the bottle to make it feel a little fuller. That should get me $30 in groceries.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have some things I can return to Whole Foods too. I'm the queen of returns.

Geneology

So my yoga teacher always said for us women to draw strength on our ancestors. I love learning about my family history and recently due to some web searching have uncovered new ancestors and got my Aunt Susan talking more about our family history.

I learned the my great great grandmother Anne McWilliams (from Ireland) was a single mother (widowed) to 5 children. She opened a boarding house in Sherbrooke, Quebec and was able to make ends meet like that. Her husband James McWilliams died 2 days after Patrick, my great grandfather, was born.

I loved learning this info and knowing that I too in some way came from another single mother. That we've existed throughout time and fight against all odds to give our children a beautiful life. Yeah to the power of single moms!

I love Wednesdays. I'm off midweek, and I feel like I can breathe....ahhhh. Seriously, raising a toddler all by myself requires a midweek breath, and I love it.

I'm starting to come out of artistic hibernation which is exciting. I've started revisiting the work I left 2 years ago on my mommy hiatus. My social experiments with audiences, "reality theater" if you will. So I've decided to go back into experimenting, which is great because it can remain low key as say opposed to acting. Yes Austin pedestrians, stay tuned for some unexpected things coming your way.

I thoroughly enjoyed JLars 30th - she was too cute with a grin on her face all night shaking her hips. And I found some photos from when we first moved in together like 8 or 9 years ago and intend to scan them soon!

Life is good here, weather is beautiful, birds are singing out my window. Happy Wednesday!

my Little Bird and me. Feb 15th 2009. 

Embracing my smile lines...

Today is my birthday. My thirtieth birthday to be exact.  A milestone in a young chickens life! When I came home from work last night I found a gift under one of my plants in the living room. It was a big birthday bag with Little Birds name scratched out and mine written in. I opened it with her this morning. She gave me a necklace from her dress up box (its cute too, very 80s retro chic) and a sidewalk-chalk book one of my friends gave her for her birthday a few years ago. Her dad was with her last night, and when I came home and saw the gift I asked if he helped her or reminded her. He had nothing to do with it, didn't even talk to her about it. It warms my heart beyond measure that she remembered it was my birthday and that she found and wrapped and set out the present all on her own. So sweet... To counter that sweetness this morning she has been grumpy and whiny because I am not having a birthday party that she is invited to... I feel bad, I am having a late night dance party tonight with my friends, and she will not be there. As much as her pouting was annoying this morning it also warms my heart that she wanted to be in on the celebration! I told her that she and her friend Lou and I would all have a special birthday dinner tomorrow night instead. She didn't buy it, she wants a party! Ha! She IS my daughter! haha! 

The days leading up to this birthday I have felt a little melancholy. Leaving my twenties... These markers in a persons life allow one to look back and reflect. I look back on the last decade and roll my eyes at some things I did... smile and laugh at other things... feel proud about some things... even though a great many of my friends are older than me, and just laugh patronizingly at my "turning 30 depression" it IS a sign of a change, a shift, in life. I know that I will look back on my thirties in a completely different way than I look back on my twenties... I know that this decade holds a completely new set of experiences. The days leading up have been nostalgic. I have also had a lot of sadness thinking about how my aging also ages my parents and my Little Bird. I think about how I am not ready for my parents to be elderly. I am not ready for that Little Bird to stop being so little.. and the last few days I have been mourning that. BUT I woke up this morning feeling excited and invigorated. I look at today and the next ten years as being full of possibilities, full of opportunity! I read a book a few years ago that said you fall down and mess up a lot in your twenties. You keep falling down but a little less in your thirties, and you finally start to get it right at 40, and in your 50s you are golden. I look forward to falling down less, and perhaps falling down more gracefully. I look forward to more birthday mornings with my Little Bird and watching her get older and wiser with each year. I am embracing my smile lines! Happy birthday to me.

VDay Spectacular Celebrations. Happy New Year Again.

Well this year was my best Vday yet. Afternoon I spent it with my mama friends (Z with his baby friends). Then in the evening Jlar and James came over for a super yummy dinner filled with wine, tea, and Dracula vs Billy the Kid. Classic.

Last Weds I weaned Z. I'd been having midweek meltdowns for the past 2 or so weeks and realized I needed a big change in my life. As in detoxify my body and get back to that hot bod I had pre-baby. That kinda change. Then maybe I'll get to go on a date. Maybe my flirtations will turn into more than just a flirtation! Maybe just maybe I"ll finally have a sexual partner that's NOT my ex. No, that's not a maybe that's a YES I CAN!

I just hope my breasts remain somewhat perky. They were always big to begin with, but post-weaning is kinda of like no mans land, y'know? They're going to take their own life... Part of me thinks I should pump every other day to keep them full, lol.

So I'm on day 2 of my detox and feeling extremely energized. Wish me luck!

Thought I'd finally add a photo to this blog. My fave from our train ride for Z's 2nd b'day.

New Album 1/22/09 9:16 PM

Wow JLar - I loved your New Years blog. Very buddhist inspired. #2 is particularly great. I need to not sucomb to my desires either - or at least make my desires more frugal. I've been doing better about shopping - vintage stores are my oasis. And flossing - AMEN!

Yes so my goals:

1. Stick to my running schedule. Well make the exact schedule, write it in my calendar as I would a class I teach. This will prove to be successfull.

2. Live within my means.

3. Be nicer to my mom. She and I have this... sometimes difficult relationship. But, she is my mom and I need to respect her more.

4. Make more me time.

5. Don't compromise precious Z time to add another class! I can live without the extra $120/month if it means seeing Z light up as we frolick in the mud and throw rocks in the pond.

That's all for now, I'll add more though.

 A new year, a new beginning. Shannon and I have a mentor who always says about acting that "every breathe is a new beginning" on stage you can lose yourself in a mistake or allow your mind to wander and you simply have to breathe and begin again to get it back together. I love this saying and find it useful over and over again in my life, on and off the stage! With a new year is a new breathe! I have three simple resolutions this year...

1. Walk in peace. 

I can allow myself to get swallowed in stress and anxiety. Money woes and work problems. Relationship issues and fights with my little bird... this year I am asking myself to remember to breathe and smile in moments of worry. I am reminding myself to find joy in the chaos, because the chaos is part of what makes living so much fun!

2. Move forward with dignity and self respect.

I often find myself at the mercy of my desires. Whether that means buying new cloths, eating junk food, or nurturing a disfunctional relationship. This year I am going to stop and ask myself before I act -with this choice am I respecting myself, my heart, my body, my mind? 

3. floss.

Its silly I know, and its SO IMPORTANT! But I am sooo lazy, especially when I brush at night... I always make Renna floss... now I must MAKE MYSELF! In all fairness I floss in the morning, but I know I need to floss every night too... :) 

May each of you travel in peace, dignity, and peppermint flavored waxed string in 2009 as well!