I don't wanna be nice!

Oh man. Its really hard to be nice sometimes... Especially when dealing with the Ex. My Little Bird returned home after being away for two months. I have had two communications with her dad since she has been back and BOTH times he was rude. UG! You would think two months of not speaking to each other would help him calm down but no... another reminder that he is and always will be an angry person. I was proud of myself though because both times he tried to start a fight I said "you are trying to fight and I will not go there" and then I redirected the conversation to the schedule etc etc and that was that.. but man oh man, we have been separated for five years now and we still have so much tension between us. I have friends who are more recently separated and I wish I could tell them it gets easier but it doesn't, the problems just change, but there are still problems.

Deep breathe. Grant me patience. Deep breathe. Help me learn from my past mistakes with this man, help me avoid the sore spots. Deep breathe. Help me forgive and release my anger. I need to let my anger go... but thats hard to do... especially when you really really don't want to be nice!

Dear Little Bird,

Yesterday I was a mom who missed her Little Bird.

Today I am a mom who misses her Little Bird.

Tomorrow I will still be a mom missing my Little Bird.

Little Bird I am so happy for you! I hope you are having fun on your annual summer stay with grandma and grandpa. You are so lucky that your trip includes travel, complimentary breakfast, clean mountain air, cable, and infinite amounts of love. Little Bird you are blessed to have those visits with grandma and grandpa in South Dakota every summer.

But Little Bird, this summer is the longest time you will have been away from me (eight entire weeks). Little Bird, it is also, so far, the first time you have not cried for me... there are still four weeks of vacation left, so you could still call me all teary... but to date- you are dry eyed! You are so happy and secure in your self. You are becoming a confidant and independent young girl. I am proud of you and happy for you. I am so glad that you have this time with family. I am so glad you have this time in the mountains. I am so... so... so darn sorry for myself... ha!

Oh poor old forgotten mom! Home in Texas. Working all the time and really really hot all the time and really really tired of being hot all the time AND has mommy ranted about how bored she is? Well. She is... without Little Bird around mommy doesn't know how to fill her days! Well actually my days become quite full, too full, but full of WORK and little play! and she is jealous of that cable and those home cooked meals and that clean mountain air! and really most of all mommy just misses you...

I miss you and wish I was to hugging you and kissing you goodnight every night... which is why I call you... everyday. I call you every day and make you talk to me even when you would rather watch TV, or roast a marsh-mellow, or ride your bike around the block... because I wish I was hugging you RIGHT NOW and burying my nose in your hair and taking in the scents of hard play and imagination and Jason's Tea Tree Oil Shampoo because of that- I kiss the phone and say "I love you, I will call you tomorrow."

So, this is a letter from mom.

From mom who misses Little Bird.

From mom who can't wait to give Little Bird big kisses in just 4 short weeks.

xoxo

Mom

Follow The Beat

So it's almost Only 2 Hands' one year birthday ladies and gents. That's pretty exciting. Also impressive that us busy single mamas took the time to write - bravo. Who knows...maybe for our birthday we'll add a male writer to the mix?

It's been a while since I posted. Twitter's been making it easier for me to do this, apologies. I"m back.

Lots to tell, but I"ll start with most recent and leave it at that.
Works going great, I have lots more both teaching yoga and with my assistant job.
Looks like I'll be able to afford staying here longer - yeah!! I love our country oasis in the middle of the city. I'm getting a new car too (well used of course)... a diesel VW Jetta - soon I can use vegetable oil!

Today was Father's Day so we Skyped Z's dad (who hasn't contacted us in a month). Z told his dad "Happy Father's Day" and M replied, "He sounds like and American."

Well of course, he's being raised only by his American mother. I really want Z to learn Arabic, but his dad's across the Atlantic and I don't speak it very well. I've actually started considering putting him in Hebrew classes. My in-laws would freak, but the languages are so similar and use the same parts of the brain that I think it'd be easier for him to learn Arabic in adulthood. (FYI There are no Arabic classes for Z's age in Austin...I can get a scholarship for him to learn Hebrew at age 2).

I've been swimming every single day welcoming the summer weather. We went to Krause Springs yesterday and Deep Eddy today. Two days of 68º spring plunges does a body good.

Click below to win a Madsen bicycle!

uh oh...

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I think I can call the first "scarring" thing I have ever done to my daughter... I took her to performance art. Now wait! That may sound like a joke, but I can assure you it is not... 

OK so once a year, this fabulous creative arts festival called FUSEBOX hits Austin. Every year there are exciting artists from around the country and world who bring their smarts to Texas. I always see a few things each year and thoroughly enjoy it! Well... this year... I decided to take Little Bird to a few things with me... all I can say is "uh oh"...

The first event that Renna and I see together is a dance piece at the Long Center. There is no rating info on the FUSEBOX website and I make my reservation over the phone with the Long Center. The shows description seems heady but relatively safe. I also think "ok well its dance, how bad can dance be?" Just wait... 

When we arrive at the theater we get our tickets at the box office, no one says a thing about appropriateness even though my daughter is obviously with me. We walk in and the ushers also do not say a word. Once we enter the theater Little Bird decides that she would like to sit in the front row for the best possible view. So we sit down front row and center.  The house lights lower, the stage lights come up, and BAM! Naked man.... 

The show, from an adult artist perspective, was wonderful. I really loved it. From a parent perspective OMG OMG OMG my daughter is RUINED! So the show starts and immediately the dancer is naked, for the first 5 minutes of the show. In the middle of the first act (after he has dressed) he pulls his underwear off his bottom and holds himself in a crab pose over a flaming candle. Then at the end of the second act we get 5 more minutes of total frontal male nudity... I would like to point out that none of the nudity was perverse or gratuitous.  The second act was fine and 100% kid friendly if not for the F word once or twice.

How did I handle it? As soon as he entered we saw the dancers bottom and I covered Little Birds eyes. 

OMG! My heart was racing, I was sweating! What do I do? leave? stay? CRAP!!! 

Her eyes were closed behind my hands and I leaned into her and I said "he is naked, he is not doing anything weird or creepy its just a naked body. If you want to watch you can, if not I will cover your eyes until he gets cloths on." She kept her eyes covered. That is pretty much how we handled the whole first act. Something inappropriate would start and I would cover eyes... She LOVED the second act. Pretty ladies dancing in sparkling dresses totally made up for the uncomfortableness of the naked man.

Leaving the theater she said she loved it. The next day she was still talking about the ladies dancing and some of the cool video in the first act. She even insisted we go to another FUSEBOX show that night as well! She still sometimes mentions things from that show in a positive way... so yes, in the moment I was terrified and mortified but in the end I think my daughter had a pretty great artistic experience... I wonder when she is an adult if she will remember that performance as her first time seeing a man naked. Ha!

sigh... oh life... oh parenting... uh-oh...

Where's the time?

So suddenly now that I"m working more (personal assistant) I'm wondering where all that glorious free time went? Z's started school but he's clingy as a madman and refuses to sleep in his own bed - I chalk this up to separation issues with school. I know it will get better, but those few hours I would have to myself at night are getting less and less.

I also just paid for my Match.com membership so I can start meeting some dudes. I've had the profile up there and just have been too broke to afford it. So I had some extra $$ thanks to Uncle Sam and said, hey I'm NOT meeting anyone, absolutely anyone this way (hanging with Z and working all the time) so at least I can get some flirtation online or in real life now...we'll see. I'm emailing with one interesting dude lots of travelling in common.

Speaking of travelling I'm dying to get out of the country. I wish flights were cheap somewhere out of the USA - like India, Bali, etc. Cause now I have to pay for 2 plane tickets. All I want to do is get lost in another culture. I guess I'll just have to go to some small Texas town and soak in the locals there. I could go to Mexico, but all those stories about kidnapping has me convinced someone's going to kidnap Z. RamaMama invited me at one point for a fun Mexico trip and then kind of dis-invited me. Yeah. I'm outing you on the blog... I was a little pissed. Hope you have fun though.

Anyways, so that's my next goal how do I get out of the country for cheap - anyone? anyone???

Insanity and Wisdom

Insanity... The last few days have been difficult for me. Little Birds father and I are in a child support battle... Let me give you some back story on the Dad here... he is insane and I am not speaking metaphorically or in anger. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago and has been off and on the meds since then. He is an alcoholic and has a tendency to beat up on the women in his life. What can I say, when I was 21 I picked a real WINNER. ha. Seriously I laugh at myself so hard tears come to my eyes when I think about how the Dad and I met. The first time I met him I apparently don't remember but he does (he was working at Whole Foods and I stopped in with Shaktimama). The first time I remember meeting him he came to my home to buy LSD or sell LSD (not sure which) to one  of my roommates. Did I mention I was 21? Just barely 21 too... I will never regret having Little Bird. She gives my life meaning, joy, and an endless and inimitable love! I do not regret having a child earlier in my adulthood. I am happy to be a young mother! I think being a young mother is amazing! I would not have it any other way. I do however regret the Dad. Through out all the years that I know him he has always been very volatile. Its in his chemical make-up, his DNA, and its really unavoidable. Sometimes we have long phases of stability and positive energy and in those moments I forget how crazy he really is and the BOOM it comes out full force. I am in the middle of a "full force" episode right now. In moments like these I just want as much distance as possible. In moments like these I hug my daughter tight and hold her closer longer. I also worry in these moments about her mood swings, her mental stability... if she does inherit this from her father it will most likely come out around puberty or even as late as her early 20s... But I still have faith and hope that my genes will dominate... Which brings me to wisdom... 

Yesterday morning I was upset because of a few emails the Dad had sent. Little Bird could tell that I was disturbed. So she said to me "mom remember last night when I was upset and you made me tell you why and then I felt better?" 

"yes I remember" 

"well if you talk about your feelings too you might feel better" 

"you want me to tell you why I am upset" 

"yes" 

"okay, your dad and I are not getting along right now"

 a pause 

Little Bird says "you know he is probably upset because he is very sensitive, just like I am, you know how sometimes the little things make me really mad and upset? well I bet that happens to dad too" 

a pause

I say "you are probably right"

In an instant, a seven year old, spoke the truth in a really simple way, but the simplicity resonates with a larger and deeper truth about our little "family" and the things that are shared... Her comment both scares me and relieves me. On one hand, yes, her reactionary side is very much like her fathers. On the other hand, for her to see that, to see the truth of this adult mans reactions holds such wisdom that I have faith. I have faith that she will grow up with enough of my strength, intelligence, and stability to even out any of the tornado that may be brewing deep inside thanks to her fathers DNA...

Hmmm.... insanity and wisdom... Long story short, I need to be wise inside the tornado of insanity that is currently spinning around me. I am not sure what path to take at this moment. I feel frozen and frightened and just want to run away from it all... but in time, in time the decisions will come, the storm will calm, the dust will settle... For the time being, I need to hold on tight, take a deep breathe and trust. Wish me luck.