I Enjoy Being A Girl

"When I have a brand new hairdo

With my eyelashes all in curl,

I float as the clouds on air do,

I enjoy being a girl!"

I sang that song for a music camp when I was in elementary school... and its true... I do. I enjoy being a girl. I think its fun... I like to be feminine. I enjoy a pretty dress, cute shoes, and some fancy-fancy around my neck... I like these things. I have too many purses to count, and don't get my started on my collection of dresses... 

Well... These things have been soaked up by my little sponge... aka my daughter. She is a girly girl. She takes ions of time getting ready for school in the morning (she is SEVEN!). She will try on ten things and complain she doesn't have anything to wear. She has a zillion pairs of shoes and just as many purses as I have! It is out of control. The other day she said to me "mom, I didn't change my outfit once today! Weird huh? I just love this dress" 

I laughed to myself. What a funny little peanut... and I also frowned a little inside... and feel a little guilty... And you know, I can laugh about some of those things, but then I stop and think about them for a second longer... and I become worried and sobered... have I inadvertently lead my daughter into the trap of feminine stereo-types? 

I like to think of myself as a "have it both ways" girl. I love a good dress, but I am not gonna wear a bra everyday and I don't shave my armpits. Make-up? For a special event or play. A cute pair of shoes? A little nail polish? yes please! The question becomes, how do I teach my Little Bird the balance? Yes you can like these things and have fun with it, but do not identify yourself with your looks. Be healthy. Be clean. BUT more importantly be thoughtful, be fierce of intellect and strong of heart. Love and nurture and be kind. Be a well rounded human being! 

With every image coming from the magazine rack, the movie screen, and the tv being an image of flawless beauty- I have found it crucial to remind my wee fairy, that she can also be the wise   wizard! And yes, it is pretty great being a girl! BUT being a girl is so much more than just what you are wearing.

p.s. I read the last two paragraphs to Little Bird... and she said "I like the part where you say she can be more than a wise wizard." That makes me smile... and I know... she will find the balance. It is in her already.... :) 

Baby's Daddy

Coming to terms with the man. We all have to. I've recently made my final decision on Z's last name. I'd been battling with changing it to mine, keeping his father's...? Keeping his namesake attachment to his father. Something so important in Arabic culture (Z is half Palestinian). While filling out our paperwork for the mommy and me Waldorf program we're doing (LOVE it! btw); I found myself hyphenating his name and loving it. Riley-Mustafa. It honors me his hard working single mama, but also keeps his few attachments to his Palestinian heritage. Also looks better on the passport for security checks as he gets older!
Now hopefully his father will agree and make the change easy!...

3 days till beach vacation. I have not been on a real vacation since I was 6 months pregnant. I am so ready. Well not really I've got a ton to do so wish me luck on that.

Oh, dancing this weekend was great. The forces of nature, a la Hurricane Ike, brought my mom, brother, and sister in town. I hope to keep dancing once a month as my feet love the floor.

I may try and write from the beach, although it's my goal to be sans internet...we'll see how I do!

Peace mamas.

workin' mom

Raising a child is not a picnic... whether you do it alone or with a partner. Parenting is a challenge.. a rewarding one, but a challenge none the less... The specific challenge that has been on my mind alot these days is balancing career and child... How do I fit both into my life? How do I fit both without one being cheated? and without becoming totally exhausted? The bottom line is that I am afraid of the time I miss with Renna.

When I was growing up, I saw that my mother gave up everything for us kids. She quit school to marry my dad and move from Wisconson to the Dakotas, and then she became a stay at home mother until my younger brother was 3. At that time she began working at the preschool that all of her children had attended. Since then she has worked primarily as a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, she is good at it, and some days I know she loves it and finds it rewarding... but I also know that she has moments of wondering "what am I doing? where has my life gone? and what dreams have I accomplished?" I saw her struggle with this...I see her still today mourn her life choices in someways... because of that, I always said to myself "When I have children, I will not let my career and my passions be forgotten." I thought then, and still believe very strongly now, that I need to show my child how to live a full life. Part of that equation is career. Having a vocation, not just a job, and loving it... 

Which brings me to my challenge. My daughter is 7. I am an interdisciplinary theater artist. Which is the fancy way to say that I am an actress, director, and producer. I also as run an arts venue and theater education program. Through-out my pregnancy I continued to perform. By the time Renna was two weeks old, I was back in rehearsals. Through out her seven years I imagine my little one has often had the words of Arrested Development (the band not the tv show) running through her head... "Momma's always on stage"... and its true, and it tears me in a million directions. She is in school all day, but my work takes place at night... 

I love my work. I am passionately addicted to it. I thrive on being busy! I am invigorated by the creative process!  I, of course, love my girl. She is the blessing of my life. There is no meaning without her. And here is where the conflict arises... I looked at my daughter the other day and gasped... 7 years old? How did that happen so quickly? Where does the time go? I fear I am missing out on precious moments each time I walk out the door to a rehearsal. The other element is that I am juggling this all with minimal support from her father. He watches her one or two nights a week at most, usually just one. The other nights I am cashing in on babysitting trades so Renna spends a great deal of her evenings at other peoples houses. This alone racks me with guilt. The dilemma dances circles around my head and I always end up back where I started. 

It is a balancing act... I want to keep working. I want to be the best example of a powerful capable woman that I can be! I also want to make my time with her a priority. I want to continue  to pick her up from school and spend every afternoon with her... and each day I just have to keep at it. Keep trying... and keep giving that little one big hugs every chance I get, and keep showing her that she can be a success at whatever she endeavors... There is no easy answer. Or perfect solution. There is only balance. 

sometimes the road seems so long.....

yeah, i know.... where's the sunshine in that?!? but really, it's the truth... sometimes. 

and sometimes i wonder where all the time went. how did louie suddenly get so tall!! when did that back-talk start exactly? hmmm. i know i've been here the whole time, and then i remember, oh yeah, single mom-dom. i feel like i am pushing so hard, running all over the place to cover all the details, fearing ever dropping the ball, that i look up and he's changed so much in just a few days, and...... (gasp) i missed it. 

i guess it's normal. he's 7, a second grader, kids change so much at this age. recently i've been reaching back to my 7 year old, 2nd grader memories and i remember everything just pissing me right off. i felt like a big kid, in my book i was a big kid. that's were the back-talking started. i was so frustrated. so i'm trying to remember that. trying.....

ha!!!!!!

so my back up plan is enrolling him in martial arts, starting classes tomorrow....

Up and Up

Life is on the up these days. No fights with my ex, well no communication with the ex, but hey he's sending us money so no complaints there. I just get a little sad for Z sometimes when he starts doing his sign for daddy, or when we read the train book about daddy. Again, I am definitely more affected by this than he is, thank goodness.

I've found cleaning at night is the most productive. That way I maximize my time with Z during the day. It also feels like Christmas when I wake up to a clean house after a hard night's work. I rearranged the house for like the 3rd time this month and am extremely excited for my new meditation area overlooking our beautiful yard.

Also on the up: I'm fitting into my pre-pregnancy tight black pants again! My pre-preg jeans fit perfect and will soon hopefully be loose!! This is so exciting!!!

On a side confession note: I've been having this curiosity fantasy about the really nice African American blind guy that I always pass when jogging. We always stop to talk to him and his dog. I don't know what it is but I keep wondering what it would be like to sleep with him; not even in a sexual wondering way, more in a like connecting with this really nice human being who can't see way. This is certainly nothing I will act on, but hey who doesn't like a juicy confession :-)

I still think my neighbor is totally hot. I may act on this one day!

I'm dying to go dancing again soon. Hopefully I can get my mom to come into town again so I can have a night OUT on the town. Thank goodness I had too many party nights while living in NYC... I partied enough for 3 reincarnations. I thank Z for grounding me again and making me a better human being.