When I was growing up, I saw that my mother gave up everything for us kids. She quit school to marry my dad and move from Wisconson to the Dakotas, and then she became a stay at home mother until my younger brother was 3. At that time she began working at the preschool that all of her children had attended. Since then she has worked primarily as a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, she is good at it, and some days I know she loves it and finds it rewarding... but I also know that she has moments of wondering "what am I doing? where has my life gone? and what dreams have I accomplished?" I saw her struggle with this...I see her still today mourn her life choices in someways... because of that, I always said to myself "When I have children, I will not let my career and my passions be forgotten." I thought then, and still believe very strongly now, that I need to show my child how to live a full life. Part of that equation is career. Having a vocation, not just a job, and loving it...
Which brings me to my challenge. My daughter is 7. I am an interdisciplinary theater artist. Which is the fancy way to say that I am an actress, director, and producer. I also as run an arts venue and theater education program. Through-out my pregnancy I continued to perform. By the time Renna was two weeks old, I was back in rehearsals. Through out her seven years I imagine my little one has often had the words of Arrested Development (the band not the tv show) running through her head... "Momma's always on stage"... and its true, and it tears me in a million directions. She is in school all day, but my work takes place at night...
I love my work. I am passionately addicted to it. I thrive on being busy! I am invigorated by the creative process! I, of course, love my girl. She is the blessing of my life. There is no meaning without her. And here is where the conflict arises... I looked at my daughter the other day and gasped... 7 years old? How did that happen so quickly? Where does the time go? I fear I am missing out on precious moments each time I walk out the door to a rehearsal. The other element is that I am juggling this all with minimal support from her father. He watches her one or two nights a week at most, usually just one. The other nights I am cashing in on babysitting trades so Renna spends a great deal of her evenings at other peoples houses. This alone racks me with guilt. The dilemma dances circles around my head and I always end up back where I started.
It is a balancing act... I want to keep working. I want to be the best example of a powerful capable woman that I can be! I also want to make my time with her a priority. I want to continue to pick her up from school and spend every afternoon with her... and each day I just have to keep at it. Keep trying... and keep giving that little one big hugs every chance I get, and keep showing her that she can be a success at whatever she endeavors... There is no easy answer. Or perfect solution. There is only balance.
2 comments:
you are an amazing woman. i feel so lucky to know you as an artist, a mother, and an amazing friend. you have an amazing ability to balance EVERYTHING! ha! i know it doesn't feel that way, but the tougher the struggle, the sweeter the reward right? kudos lady, you so rock!
It's definitely a hard balance. I feel it now with the little time I leave Z. And I always say I'll go back to the theater when he's in school, but I wonder if I really will want to be away from him at night. You do an amazing job of balancing it all. And I always see the twinkle in Renna's eye when she talks about you being in a play or movie - she's so proud of you!
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