Embracing my smile lines...

Today is my birthday. My thirtieth birthday to be exact.  A milestone in a young chickens life! When I came home from work last night I found a gift under one of my plants in the living room. It was a big birthday bag with Little Birds name scratched out and mine written in. I opened it with her this morning. She gave me a necklace from her dress up box (its cute too, very 80s retro chic) and a sidewalk-chalk book one of my friends gave her for her birthday a few years ago. Her dad was with her last night, and when I came home and saw the gift I asked if he helped her or reminded her. He had nothing to do with it, didn't even talk to her about it. It warms my heart beyond measure that she remembered it was my birthday and that she found and wrapped and set out the present all on her own. So sweet... To counter that sweetness this morning she has been grumpy and whiny because I am not having a birthday party that she is invited to... I feel bad, I am having a late night dance party tonight with my friends, and she will not be there. As much as her pouting was annoying this morning it also warms my heart that she wanted to be in on the celebration! I told her that she and her friend Lou and I would all have a special birthday dinner tomorrow night instead. She didn't buy it, she wants a party! Ha! She IS my daughter! haha! 

The days leading up to this birthday I have felt a little melancholy. Leaving my twenties... These markers in a persons life allow one to look back and reflect. I look back on the last decade and roll my eyes at some things I did... smile and laugh at other things... feel proud about some things... even though a great many of my friends are older than me, and just laugh patronizingly at my "turning 30 depression" it IS a sign of a change, a shift, in life. I know that I will look back on my thirties in a completely different way than I look back on my twenties... I know that this decade holds a completely new set of experiences. The days leading up have been nostalgic. I have also had a lot of sadness thinking about how my aging also ages my parents and my Little Bird. I think about how I am not ready for my parents to be elderly. I am not ready for that Little Bird to stop being so little.. and the last few days I have been mourning that. BUT I woke up this morning feeling excited and invigorated. I look at today and the next ten years as being full of possibilities, full of opportunity! I read a book a few years ago that said you fall down and mess up a lot in your twenties. You keep falling down but a little less in your thirties, and you finally start to get it right at 40, and in your 50s you are golden. I look forward to falling down less, and perhaps falling down more gracefully. I look forward to more birthday mornings with my Little Bird and watching her get older and wiser with each year. I am embracing my smile lines! Happy birthday to me.

VDay Spectacular Celebrations. Happy New Year Again.

Well this year was my best Vday yet. Afternoon I spent it with my mama friends (Z with his baby friends). Then in the evening Jlar and James came over for a super yummy dinner filled with wine, tea, and Dracula vs Billy the Kid. Classic.

Last Weds I weaned Z. I'd been having midweek meltdowns for the past 2 or so weeks and realized I needed a big change in my life. As in detoxify my body and get back to that hot bod I had pre-baby. That kinda change. Then maybe I'll get to go on a date. Maybe my flirtations will turn into more than just a flirtation! Maybe just maybe I"ll finally have a sexual partner that's NOT my ex. No, that's not a maybe that's a YES I CAN!

I just hope my breasts remain somewhat perky. They were always big to begin with, but post-weaning is kinda of like no mans land, y'know? They're going to take their own life... Part of me thinks I should pump every other day to keep them full, lol.

So I'm on day 2 of my detox and feeling extremely energized. Wish me luck!

Thought I'd finally add a photo to this blog. My fave from our train ride for Z's 2nd b'day.

New Album 1/22/09 9:16 PM

Wow JLar - I loved your New Years blog. Very buddhist inspired. #2 is particularly great. I need to not sucomb to my desires either - or at least make my desires more frugal. I've been doing better about shopping - vintage stores are my oasis. And flossing - AMEN!

Yes so my goals:

1. Stick to my running schedule. Well make the exact schedule, write it in my calendar as I would a class I teach. This will prove to be successfull.

2. Live within my means.

3. Be nicer to my mom. She and I have this... sometimes difficult relationship. But, she is my mom and I need to respect her more.

4. Make more me time.

5. Don't compromise precious Z time to add another class! I can live without the extra $120/month if it means seeing Z light up as we frolick in the mud and throw rocks in the pond.

That's all for now, I'll add more though.

 A new year, a new beginning. Shannon and I have a mentor who always says about acting that "every breathe is a new beginning" on stage you can lose yourself in a mistake or allow your mind to wander and you simply have to breathe and begin again to get it back together. I love this saying and find it useful over and over again in my life, on and off the stage! With a new year is a new breathe! I have three simple resolutions this year...

1. Walk in peace. 

I can allow myself to get swallowed in stress and anxiety. Money woes and work problems. Relationship issues and fights with my little bird... this year I am asking myself to remember to breathe and smile in moments of worry. I am reminding myself to find joy in the chaos, because the chaos is part of what makes living so much fun!

2. Move forward with dignity and self respect.

I often find myself at the mercy of my desires. Whether that means buying new cloths, eating junk food, or nurturing a disfunctional relationship. This year I am going to stop and ask myself before I act -with this choice am I respecting myself, my heart, my body, my mind? 

3. floss.

Its silly I know, and its SO IMPORTANT! But I am sooo lazy, especially when I brush at night... I always make Renna floss... now I must MAKE MYSELF! In all fairness I floss in the morning, but I know I need to floss every night too... :) 

May each of you travel in peace, dignity, and peppermint flavored waxed string in 2009 as well!

Shut In

Dear God I'm going crazy.  3.5 weeks of being cooped in a house due to 2 illnesses will do that.  And the last portion of these weeks have been spent cleaning up vomit.  Needless to say it's done a number on my nerves.  My house is a wreck.  My brain's a wreck.  Oh, and I've barely worked these few weeks.  Merry Christmas.

Thank God my mom's coming in town and we've agreed if I do her holiday shopping she will help clean my house - YEAH!  My house has gotten to the point of no return; I can't see past it's current state.

I need to go to a yoga class.  I just need time away from my son.  God it sounds horrible when I type that out, but really it's gotten to be too much for me these past few weeks.  I had him in the stroller the other day and felt so liberated to be able to look around and think for myself for once without worrying about him puking or crying or whatever.

Ya, it's a low point for me for sure.  And it's the holidays.  I want this to be a beautiful time for both of us.  Starting new traditions, etc.  But this big black sick cloud has shut all of that out.

Back to the future mamas.  I have a new Macbook.  It took me a little while to save up and of course got alot of help from the family.  My ex almost sabatoged the whole thing with money drama this month...but I got it!  

I also am proud to say that I got on food stamps this month.  Proud you may ask?  Yes, it was alot of work and I need some sort of relief.  Z and I were sick alot this month and I haven't worked in 3 weeks!  That plus his dad is becoming extremely unreliable when it comes to the money he's supposed to send me.  This month I got emergency food stamps.  They're still reviewing my case for it to continue and to grant me medicaid.  I haven't been to the doctor since after Z was born so this is huge for me.  Cross your fingers.

Back to the ex.  He calls me up to tell me that he's cutting my money in half unless I circumcise my son!  We've already agreed to disagree on this subject and not bring it up anymore so as not to give Z a penis complex as he gets older.  Everytime M goes back to the Middle East circumcision is back on the chopping block -sorry bad pun.  He can't even give me a good sound moral or ethical reason other than millions of other Muslims do it.  The "it's cleaner" argument does not fly with me as I have tons of medical evidence proving otherwise.

Yes, he cares so much about this heinous medical procedure, but does not call Z EVER anymore even when he knows how sick Z has been.

In other news we cut down our Christmas tree with RamaMama and her 2 kiddos.  Well, the nice farm boy cut the tree down for us.  It was so much fun and a great tradition to start for me and Z.  Pretty hilarious site us 2 single mamas on the tree farm (me in my high heel boots and Z in his red Chinese outfit).  Will post a pic soon.  Happy Holidays everyone!