days went by...

I have much melancholy this morning. My daughter is getting too big, too fast... This year has been the big one for change. In kindergarten and first grade she still had those chubby cheeks, and was still tiny enough for me to scoop up and carry from the car as she slept on my shoulder... These days? Her face is thinning, she is looking so tall, and she is getting too heavy to carry. I am mourning the loss of my "baby" this morning. The conversations we have, the things she loves, the things that draw her in and fascinate her have changed so dramatically and so quickly... Everyone tells you when your child is a baby, a toddler, they all say "cherish it, it goes so fast" and you know they are right, you nod vigorously in agreement and you cherish each moment as much as you possibly can, but it still hits you in the gut when you realize the cuddle bug is gone... and this age too will pass, faster than I want it to... sigh... I have memories of her baby smell... and soft skin and hair... I remember holding her tiny body tucked in one arm... I remember the taste of her skin under my kisses before it had the flavor of playground grime and big kid dirt... I remember her tiny hand swallowed in my palm... I remember the concentration in making simple movements... I miss it... and I know that I will also miss this age. I will miss my seven year old. These days I hug her so often and so tightly, as if my squeeze will stop time, for at least a moment... sigh. 

angry love

i've been stuck in my little world for a while. working thru some issues with my lou. aggression. i must say that his karate classes have been great for him, and it's really exciting to see him so dedicated. i think i've been working thru some of my own issues as well. as for his dad, he had to go out of town, for six weeks, with out any warning,  because he forgot to tell us. needless to say lou did not handle it well. he was hurt, and angry. but he doesn't want to be angry at his dad because he gives him everything he wants. hmmmm. so i get the backlash. which in it's own was is a compliment. he's secure enough with me to just let it all hang out. 

so we had 6 weeks of angry love. ha. such passion.

also, at parent teacher meetings i found out that louie may have dyslexia. which makes alot of sense. he's brilliant but has such a hard time writing his words, and dumb himself down just to get thru the writing. writing on just one line is the end of the world to him. and when i tell him to correct a backwards letter, lawwd help us. he's been so frustrated. so, now i'm not focusing on the spelling, straightness, or "frontwardness". i want him to find his freedom in expressing his thoughts in writing. he has such great profound thoughts! we are going to start testing, apparently it's a long process, but i dont want him to suffer when we could start helping him. he's so frustrated, i'm afraid he'll just shut down, and with a boy like lou, that's just not an option. he's everything to me. 

one time he told me " mom, life is like driving a remote controlled car..... it doesn't always go where you think it will, and sometimes you crash, but you just pick it up, and put it back on the ground and try again. "

......and i love his angry love, i hope he holds his dedication to his passionate feelings his whole life. 

Princess Smartypants

Princess Smartypants is a fabulous book that my mother bought me when I was in high school. It is a children's book about a princess who is of marrying age, and her parents and the entire kingdom are pressuring her to get married. She doesn't want to, so she creates all of these crazy challenges for the princes to accomplish before they can win her hand. None of them succeed until Prince Swashbuckler comes along, and he accomplish every task, much to the chagrin of Ms Smartypants. Well, in the end, she kisses him and he turns into a frog and she sends him on his way. I love this book. I love it because it is a breathe of fresh air! In our culture little girls are inundated with tales of "Happily Ever After" and its always about romantic love. BARF! As a single adult I am so sick of the question "are you seeing anyone?" Like thats the most important news in my life? Well, I am not seeing anyone, and its not because I don't have my share of suitors, its because I have no need to be in a "couple". And you know what else- I am happy! I love my life. The assumption is that I cannot be complete if I am not "partnered." But my life is so full, in so many wonderful ways! My career, my health, my daughter, my friendships, my family. I am receiving love from many people in my life! Happiness is not defined by my relationship status. And yes, I would love HELP with the kiddo every now and then, but the older she gets the easier raising her solo gets, and on top of that, I have a huge network of support in my friends and family. I worry about my Little Bird falling into the trap of "you must have a boyfriend to have value in your life". I see many adults hop from relationship to relationship, not even knowing how to be alone! I do not want my daughter to become one of those women! The scary thing is that at seven years old she already has ideas about love and BOYS, and that is scary! She already has a crush on Zac Efron! She has already been busted kissing boys on the playground! The funny (and rather savvy) thing about my Little Bird is that to me she says "oh mom, I am too young for boys" but her little boyfriends mom tells me "Oh they are so cute, they have already named their children." AAAaaahhhh!!! I hear her playing with her friends in her room  the "boyfriend game." Its not just her either, I know that its all the kids, they are playing these courtship games on the playground. And although I hate it and it does freak me out- I also recognize that Renna has to learn that she is all the love she needs the hard way, like the rest of us... She will need to experience love and loss and crushes and all of that. And yes, "all of that" adds a beautiful flavor to a life- BUT I just wish our culture would stop putting so much emphasis on coupling! It belittles a woman's value, worth, and strength. This little blog rant of mine is reminding me of a Sex In The City episode, where Carrie writes about the "shoulds" that women have to juggle. Should have a baby. Should have a husband... and then you reach 30 and you don't have these things? Does that mean you failed at life? ... I want my daughter to read more books and see more movies that are NOT about finding love. I want her to learn and know that the value of her existence can be defined only be herself and can be made only by the strength of her own choices. She defines her own measures for success in this life. 

p.s. physical pleasure is a completely separate conversation and not one for the single mommy blog (wink wink)... my thoughts on that and my thoughts on the need for romantic love are not necessarily confined to the same conversation... but I did want to add this "p.s." because it is a very valid argument against my rant... the thing is- I am talking very specifically about the "hollywood one true love" ideals, the dusty ideas that a woman's goal in life is wedded bliss, and the fact that although modern women perceive themselves as being beyond those ideas and ideals- the fact is, I see my daughter being "taught" those lessons by way of our cultures undying expectations and definitions of femininity... oh I am not completely bitter- I recognize that progress is made, woman by woman, step by step, but alas the problems are not gone- I just hope my little one becomes a woman who takes a step in the right direction. I hope my little bird becomes a part of the change, the transformation, and the solution, as oppose to a part of the status quo... AND this doesn't mean that I think she shouldn't find love or get married if she chooses to someday, it just means that I hope she has a clear idea of her own value with or without "wedded bliss"

p.p.s. I also get very angry with people who think a single parent family is inadequate. Aren't we evolved enough at this point to accept that families come in all genders and sizes? One mom? One dad? A mom and a dad? Two dads? Two moms? Each type of family is of equal value!! There is no better and no worse! The only true NEED in defining a family is LOVE! Love love love. That is, as the Beatles sing, "all you need"

One Big Headache

Well Z's dad is in town. And when he's in town that means he stays with us. He gives us a pretty good amount of money each month so that I don't have to work too much while Z is little. Right now it does not leave much money for him to say stay in a hotel so I have to grin and bear it and make the most out of this HEADACHE of an experience.

He annoys me on so many levels. This week I"ve been dealing with the fact that I found out he has some girlfriend in Boston. Some chick he was cutting his mere week with Z short to fly off to Boston. Him having an American or Western girlfriend is really hard for me to know about. While most of our problems deal with his lying and cheating, alot of our problems were cultural/religious; and he's always said the next time he marries it will be to an Arab girl. I know it's silly and petty, but somehow it stings me.

Also having him in town has brought up my lingering feelings of how I wish Z was growing up in a 2 parent family. By no means do I wish it was with HIM! I just see my friends with their husbands and remember that's how I imagined my life. I know, I know, the grass is never greener on the other side. I guess these are just things I"ll grapple with as a single mom.

Ugh, he leaves on Saturday and I'll be there to explain to my confused toddler why Daddy can't say night night to him anymore.

I just came back from my first vacation in 2 years, feeling so happy and refreshed; only to have him arrive the next day. So I'm feeling a wee bit low this week. Should take Z out for a jog tomorrow. That should help. MEN!

I Enjoy Being A Girl

"When I have a brand new hairdo

With my eyelashes all in curl,

I float as the clouds on air do,

I enjoy being a girl!"

I sang that song for a music camp when I was in elementary school... and its true... I do. I enjoy being a girl. I think its fun... I like to be feminine. I enjoy a pretty dress, cute shoes, and some fancy-fancy around my neck... I like these things. I have too many purses to count, and don't get my started on my collection of dresses... 

Well... These things have been soaked up by my little sponge... aka my daughter. She is a girly girl. She takes ions of time getting ready for school in the morning (she is SEVEN!). She will try on ten things and complain she doesn't have anything to wear. She has a zillion pairs of shoes and just as many purses as I have! It is out of control. The other day she said to me "mom, I didn't change my outfit once today! Weird huh? I just love this dress" 

I laughed to myself. What a funny little peanut... and I also frowned a little inside... and feel a little guilty... And you know, I can laugh about some of those things, but then I stop and think about them for a second longer... and I become worried and sobered... have I inadvertently lead my daughter into the trap of feminine stereo-types? 

I like to think of myself as a "have it both ways" girl. I love a good dress, but I am not gonna wear a bra everyday and I don't shave my armpits. Make-up? For a special event or play. A cute pair of shoes? A little nail polish? yes please! The question becomes, how do I teach my Little Bird the balance? Yes you can like these things and have fun with it, but do not identify yourself with your looks. Be healthy. Be clean. BUT more importantly be thoughtful, be fierce of intellect and strong of heart. Love and nurture and be kind. Be a well rounded human being! 

With every image coming from the magazine rack, the movie screen, and the tv being an image of flawless beauty- I have found it crucial to remind my wee fairy, that she can also be the wise   wizard! And yes, it is pretty great being a girl! BUT being a girl is so much more than just what you are wearing.

p.s. I read the last two paragraphs to Little Bird... and she said "I like the part where you say she can be more than a wise wizard." That makes me smile... and I know... she will find the balance. It is in her already.... :) 

Baby's Daddy

Coming to terms with the man. We all have to. I've recently made my final decision on Z's last name. I'd been battling with changing it to mine, keeping his father's...? Keeping his namesake attachment to his father. Something so important in Arabic culture (Z is half Palestinian). While filling out our paperwork for the mommy and me Waldorf program we're doing (LOVE it! btw); I found myself hyphenating his name and loving it. Riley-Mustafa. It honors me his hard working single mama, but also keeps his few attachments to his Palestinian heritage. Also looks better on the passport for security checks as he gets older!
Now hopefully his father will agree and make the change easy!...

3 days till beach vacation. I have not been on a real vacation since I was 6 months pregnant. I am so ready. Well not really I've got a ton to do so wish me luck on that.

Oh, dancing this weekend was great. The forces of nature, a la Hurricane Ike, brought my mom, brother, and sister in town. I hope to keep dancing once a month as my feet love the floor.

I may try and write from the beach, although it's my goal to be sans internet...we'll see how I do!

Peace mamas.

workin' mom

Raising a child is not a picnic... whether you do it alone or with a partner. Parenting is a challenge.. a rewarding one, but a challenge none the less... The specific challenge that has been on my mind alot these days is balancing career and child... How do I fit both into my life? How do I fit both without one being cheated? and without becoming totally exhausted? The bottom line is that I am afraid of the time I miss with Renna.

When I was growing up, I saw that my mother gave up everything for us kids. She quit school to marry my dad and move from Wisconson to the Dakotas, and then she became a stay at home mother until my younger brother was 3. At that time she began working at the preschool that all of her children had attended. Since then she has worked primarily as a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, she is good at it, and some days I know she loves it and finds it rewarding... but I also know that she has moments of wondering "what am I doing? where has my life gone? and what dreams have I accomplished?" I saw her struggle with this...I see her still today mourn her life choices in someways... because of that, I always said to myself "When I have children, I will not let my career and my passions be forgotten." I thought then, and still believe very strongly now, that I need to show my child how to live a full life. Part of that equation is career. Having a vocation, not just a job, and loving it... 

Which brings me to my challenge. My daughter is 7. I am an interdisciplinary theater artist. Which is the fancy way to say that I am an actress, director, and producer. I also as run an arts venue and theater education program. Through-out my pregnancy I continued to perform. By the time Renna was two weeks old, I was back in rehearsals. Through out her seven years I imagine my little one has often had the words of Arrested Development (the band not the tv show) running through her head... "Momma's always on stage"... and its true, and it tears me in a million directions. She is in school all day, but my work takes place at night... 

I love my work. I am passionately addicted to it. I thrive on being busy! I am invigorated by the creative process!  I, of course, love my girl. She is the blessing of my life. There is no meaning without her. And here is where the conflict arises... I looked at my daughter the other day and gasped... 7 years old? How did that happen so quickly? Where does the time go? I fear I am missing out on precious moments each time I walk out the door to a rehearsal. The other element is that I am juggling this all with minimal support from her father. He watches her one or two nights a week at most, usually just one. The other nights I am cashing in on babysitting trades so Renna spends a great deal of her evenings at other peoples houses. This alone racks me with guilt. The dilemma dances circles around my head and I always end up back where I started. 

It is a balancing act... I want to keep working. I want to be the best example of a powerful capable woman that I can be! I also want to make my time with her a priority. I want to continue  to pick her up from school and spend every afternoon with her... and each day I just have to keep at it. Keep trying... and keep giving that little one big hugs every chance I get, and keep showing her that she can be a success at whatever she endeavors... There is no easy answer. Or perfect solution. There is only balance.